So, you think you spent a lot on your Christmas tree? Let me take you on a journey, a journey through hell, of which, I have yet to return.
The day started about as usual as can be expected of the Monkey. After enjoying a traditional Thanksgiving dinner at my parents, Mrs. Wrench and I left our little girl to spend the night, because our son was scheduled for an ultrtrasound (he's having a bit of a bladder problem). The Monkey and his wife awoke at the ass-crack of damm to get the little bugger to his appointment and it turns out everything is OK.
So, to the IHOP we go and enjoy a nice breakfast, just the three of us.
$28.00
Off now we go to the Monkey's parents to gather the daugther. We spend about twenty minutes there, doing the usual and then off we go...
To the Christmas tree farm!
{Think "Christmas Vacation" here..."FA LA LA LA LAHHHHH.....LA LA LA, LAHHHHH"}
We're at the tree farm, so I'll spare youthe details of hoofing it back and forth, back and forth....and back and forth trying to find that....trying...to...find...that...one...perfect...tree...
Tree found! If this tree were a state, it would weigh roughly the same as Rhode Island! Thanks goodness we have guys like Vbaganon watching the border, because I found a nest of nasty Canucks hiding in there!
Thankfully, Larry and Curly are working, so after I drag this thing 400 yards, they decide to shake it and bind it.
The tree is eleven feet tall and weighs the same as dump truck! Mrs. Wrench wants a big Christmas!
The tree is strapped to the Tahoe and off we go.
$35.00
The Monkey and his family make it home. The tree is still with us and all is well with the world.
Tree comes off the roof rack of the Tahoe with no issue. This thing is enourmous! I grab the tree stand we have and set the tree.
....Nice!
The stand we have seems to fit. The tree seems to stand just fine in the driveway as I trim and center it. It stands tall and proud for at least two hours as I finish the outside decorations.
OK, I drag this monster into the living room, get it straightened again and get it just about where Mrs. Wrench wants it. I go downstairs and start getting the tree lights out to check them. Now, here's a question I have. Why, if all the lights worked when I put them away last year, do they NOT work now? WTF is that about?
Anyway, down in the basement, checking the lights and enjoying a beer when it happens.
BOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!! Followed by Mrs. Wrench screaming at the top of her lungs!
Yep, the tree fell...against the wall....where Mrs. Wrench has a little shelf of knick knacks, one being a plaster cast of our son's hands when he was two (if you have kids, you know what I'm talking about here).
I come upstairs, set it up again and think, if I put water in it this time, the weight will keep the stand planted.
Got it up, water in the base and it seems stable enough. Get the star on and start stringing this thing with the lights. Run downstairs to grab another string, grab another beer and find out why the Monkey's two kids are beating the poop out of each other.
KKKKKRRRRRRAAAAAAAANNNNNNGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!! Followed by another blood-curdling scream.
DAMNIT! It fell again! This time, dumping the gallon or so of water out.
Up I go again, this time I'm horribly pissed! Get the tree up and notice the stand has broken this time. Tell Mrs. Wrench she needs to run out to either Wal-Mart or Lowes and get a new stand. She starts with the excuses, about not knowing what to get, blah, blah, blah. Hey honey, here's an idea, GET THE BIGGEST F*****G STAND YOU CAN FIND! I can't go because I have to hold this monster up!
So, she storms out of the house, slamming doors and cursing up a storm (which is rare for a good Mormon!)
She's back in no less than 10 minutes, ranting and raving about having good news and bad news.
She throws this stand down and says, "Here's the good news, Dave and Judi (neighbors) had an extra stand they don't use and we can use it."
"OK, when did you see them?"
"That's the bad news. As I was pulling out of the subdivision, I think I see Christmas lights around the pool house and turn to look. Didn't notice Dave and Judi in front of me and hit them."
$475.00 to repair the damage to their van and Mrs. Wrench's van.
Get the tree in the new stand, and this is one of those that supposedly make it a snap to center. You put the stump into this cradly-like thing, then the cradle sits in the base and you can swivel it around and lock it in place when it's centered.
It lasted precisely 22 seconds, before it toppled AGAIN! By now, this poor tree looks like something from a "Charlie Brown Christmas" episode!
She's pissed now, but I'm just as pissed because I know now I have to deal with getting the vehicles repaired and now I have to go out and get a new stand!
Of to the brand new Super WalMart to find a stand and as I run out to get in the truck, she has the gaul to scream out, "And pick me up some Diet Coke too!" Diet Coke? Are you shittin' me?
WalMart has peepee for tree stands! They only have those flimsy little aluminum ones that are, at best, built for holding a fake tree. I do grab the Diet Coke and a 12-pack of Budweiser for me.
$12.00
Run to Lowes and there it is, the Holy Grail of tree stands! This son-of-a-bitch is built completely out of steel, all welded together with the big, block letters any true man loves to see, "GUARANTEED FOR A LIFETIME!" The spec's check out; can hold a 12' tree weighing up to 300 pounds. BINGO!
$50.00
So, the stand is home, the tree is up and made it through the night without slamming down again. Hurrican Katrina could not take this tree out now! The house may get shredded, but my tree will still be there!
Now, if my math is correct, this tree has now cost me $600.00, right?
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
The day started about as usual as can be expected of the Monkey. After enjoying a traditional Thanksgiving dinner at my parents, Mrs. Wrench and I left our little girl to spend the night, because our son was scheduled for an ultrtrasound (he's having a bit of a bladder problem). The Monkey and his wife awoke at the ass-crack of damm to get the little bugger to his appointment and it turns out everything is OK.
So, to the IHOP we go and enjoy a nice breakfast, just the three of us.
$28.00
Off now we go to the Monkey's parents to gather the daugther. We spend about twenty minutes there, doing the usual and then off we go...
To the Christmas tree farm!
{Think "Christmas Vacation" here..."FA LA LA LA LAHHHHH.....LA LA LA, LAHHHHH"}
We're at the tree farm, so I'll spare youthe details of hoofing it back and forth, back and forth....and back and forth trying to find that....trying...to...find...that...one...perfect...tree...
Tree found! If this tree were a state, it would weigh roughly the same as Rhode Island! Thanks goodness we have guys like Vbaganon watching the border, because I found a nest of nasty Canucks hiding in there!
Thankfully, Larry and Curly are working, so after I drag this thing 400 yards, they decide to shake it and bind it.
The tree is eleven feet tall and weighs the same as dump truck! Mrs. Wrench wants a big Christmas!
The tree is strapped to the Tahoe and off we go.
$35.00
The Monkey and his family make it home. The tree is still with us and all is well with the world.
Tree comes off the roof rack of the Tahoe with no issue. This thing is enourmous! I grab the tree stand we have and set the tree.
....Nice!
The stand we have seems to fit. The tree seems to stand just fine in the driveway as I trim and center it. It stands tall and proud for at least two hours as I finish the outside decorations.
OK, I drag this monster into the living room, get it straightened again and get it just about where Mrs. Wrench wants it. I go downstairs and start getting the tree lights out to check them. Now, here's a question I have. Why, if all the lights worked when I put them away last year, do they NOT work now? WTF is that about?
Anyway, down in the basement, checking the lights and enjoying a beer when it happens.
BOOOOOOOOMMMMMM!!!!! Followed by Mrs. Wrench screaming at the top of her lungs!
Yep, the tree fell...against the wall....where Mrs. Wrench has a little shelf of knick knacks, one being a plaster cast of our son's hands when he was two (if you have kids, you know what I'm talking about here).
I come upstairs, set it up again and think, if I put water in it this time, the weight will keep the stand planted.
Got it up, water in the base and it seems stable enough. Get the star on and start stringing this thing with the lights. Run downstairs to grab another string, grab another beer and find out why the Monkey's two kids are beating the poop out of each other.
KKKKKRRRRRRAAAAAAAANNNNNNGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!! Followed by another blood-curdling scream.
DAMNIT! It fell again! This time, dumping the gallon or so of water out.
Up I go again, this time I'm horribly pissed! Get the tree up and notice the stand has broken this time. Tell Mrs. Wrench she needs to run out to either Wal-Mart or Lowes and get a new stand. She starts with the excuses, about not knowing what to get, blah, blah, blah. Hey honey, here's an idea, GET THE BIGGEST F*****G STAND YOU CAN FIND! I can't go because I have to hold this monster up!
So, she storms out of the house, slamming doors and cursing up a storm (which is rare for a good Mormon!)
She's back in no less than 10 minutes, ranting and raving about having good news and bad news.
She throws this stand down and says, "Here's the good news, Dave and Judi (neighbors) had an extra stand they don't use and we can use it."
"OK, when did you see them?"
"That's the bad news. As I was pulling out of the subdivision, I think I see Christmas lights around the pool house and turn to look. Didn't notice Dave and Judi in front of me and hit them."
$475.00 to repair the damage to their van and Mrs. Wrench's van.
Get the tree in the new stand, and this is one of those that supposedly make it a snap to center. You put the stump into this cradly-like thing, then the cradle sits in the base and you can swivel it around and lock it in place when it's centered.
It lasted precisely 22 seconds, before it toppled AGAIN! By now, this poor tree looks like something from a "Charlie Brown Christmas" episode!
She's pissed now, but I'm just as pissed because I know now I have to deal with getting the vehicles repaired and now I have to go out and get a new stand!
Of to the brand new Super WalMart to find a stand and as I run out to get in the truck, she has the gaul to scream out, "And pick me up some Diet Coke too!" Diet Coke? Are you shittin' me?
WalMart has peepee for tree stands! They only have those flimsy little aluminum ones that are, at best, built for holding a fake tree. I do grab the Diet Coke and a 12-pack of Budweiser for me.
$12.00
Run to Lowes and there it is, the Holy Grail of tree stands! This son-of-a-bitch is built completely out of steel, all welded together with the big, block letters any true man loves to see, "GUARANTEED FOR A LIFETIME!" The spec's check out; can hold a 12' tree weighing up to 300 pounds. BINGO!
$50.00
So, the stand is home, the tree is up and made it through the night without slamming down again. Hurrican Katrina could not take this tree out now! The house may get shredded, but my tree will still be there!
Now, if my math is correct, this tree has now cost me $600.00, right?
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
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