Sad, Sad Day.....

[CorradoPsi]

hmm, comming from a person who gave up everything for the woman they loved. dont do it. you need to have a good talk with her. because it would seem that she doesn't care about what makes you happy, and if thats the case, she wont make you happy. she will make you regretful, and resentful. if its her family giving you all the guilt trips, then she needs to stand up to them and tell them to stop. if she's ok with your hobbies, they need to understand that and shut up about it. i gave up everything i enjoyed for a woman once, i married her, and I'm now divorced and happier than ever because I'm free to enjoy what i want, when i want. and frankly, the sex wasn't worth it, it can be had elsewhere, without the hassle. if you want to talk more about it, please I'm me and ill give you my aim sn. because this is a HUGE decision, and you shouldnt have to do what you are.

 

[godale03]

NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm 23 going on 10 and i wouldnt change for her or anyone else.. at first i thought man she bust have some good stuff.. then you said you have to give up frequesnt sex also.. why is that if you don tmind me asking.. if you keep it up like she wants you to, with all the built up stress, you looking at a massive "heart a stroke" by 35!!!! just my .02!!

well after the first 6 months of getting it twice a day... I have gone to twice a month....

 

[godale03]

hmm, comming from a person who gave up everything for the woman they loved. dont do it. you need to have a good talk with her. because it would seem that she doesn't care about what makes you happy, and if thats the case, she wont make you happy. she will make you regretful, and resentful. if its her family giving you all the guilt trips, then she needs to stand up to them and tell them to stop. if she's ok with your hobbies, they need to understand that and shut up about it. i gave up everything i enjoyed for a woman once, i married her, and I'm now divorced and happier than ever because I'm free to enjoy what i want, when i want. and frankly, the sex wasn't worth it, it can be had elsewhere, without the hassle. if you want to talk more about it, please I'm me and ill give you my aim sn. because this is a HUGE decision, and you shouldnt have to do what you are.

If you will be on tonight let me know and I will PM you with the I'm info...I will be home from College around 9 EST. I know what I am doing is foolish... but I do love her.... I am really torn here.

 

[beason]

why from 2 times dayly to 2 time a month?? dont mean to pry but thats crazy.. i dont know of any reason at all for a change that drastic..

 

[godale03]

why from 2 times dayly to 2 time a month?? dont mean to pry but thats crazy.. i dont know of any reason at all for a change that drastic..

I guess since she had me she didn't have to do that anymore... as much. She said it was because our relationship had progressed...

 

[Plaidfish]

Dude I gave up everything for my ex too....I loved NYC..Had a good job there....have many friends....could snowboard every weekend in season....went out west 2 - 3 times a season.....was going to one of the best wing chun academies in the world.....she wanted to move down here so we would be near our parents when my daughter was coming......so i did...now I'm stuck in the state I left when I was 16 cause I hated it so much......I have an OK job (pays well just boring).....and I'm stuck here so I can share custody of my kid w/ a person that cheated...lied and tried to run off w/ a coke dealer and my kid.......I gave up everything I enjoyed in life and now I am looking for different things to do cause my life has been so uprooted and changed in the last 7 years....I have now way of casually meeting people here....I miss the subway and walking to places all th etime......hell I even miss the smell of the city.....You really need to think about what it is you are going to do here...why is it so important to give up all of your fun in life.......that's a recipe for early grave.....she has a 4yr old kid....you never go tot the park or a beach???? does he have to work all the time too...what kind of life is that for anyone.....and the sex statement....hold th efriggin phone dude....I am a firm beleiver in the female sex barometer....if she's happy in the relationship the sex is there.....hands down.....why do you have ot work the farm anyway...can't you work somewhere else??? just know if you are doing all the giving everyone here said it or agrees you will resent her for it........marriage is a cooperative effort not a do this or else deal........you NEED to talk to this girl and find out what's up w/ all that grow up or else crap...oh I'm 32 and I'm damn proud to tell people I have fun w/ my life......what good is working till you die and not enjoying the fruits of your labor.......I will die with fewer regrets than riches but I'll die a happier person knowing I did as much as I could when I could......

 

[Got Nitro?]

If you she want's to change you,put on a diaper,might get lucky but that's beside's the point,you shouldn't have to give everything up that you love.i was just talking about something like this with a close freind and she said don't give up what you love,for who you love,but meet in the middle and try to understand.

 

[godale03]

Plaid,

I hear what you are saying. I don't what to do man. I thought I was doing everything right. Made myself available 24 7 for whatever she needed. Still do. You don't know how many times I have missed out on something I wanted to do because her grass needs cut, or living room painted. It never ends.... the work. I ask myself every time why I bend over backwards. Every time I come up with the same answer.... I love her. I know this all sounds ludicrous and way out in left field. How do I talk to her about this? How do I make her understand that I love this and it makes me happy? I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place dude. This just sucks. She has not asked me in so many words to give it up... but everytime I bring it up that I want to fool with the RC.... there is always something that she has talked to me about that needs to be done. I feel incredibly guilty about messing with the RC knowing that she is working and thinking I should be there... working. I work hard all day long.... being an IT geek... ok well I work all day.... well I work.. and I really enjoy comming home and spending a couple of hours fooling with the car or talking to you guys here. Oh well.... an answer is out there.... I just need to some serious drinking....it will come to me.....

 

[Got Nitro?]

some serious drinking,always works,if your going to talk to her,try to do it right after dinner or something that way you both are in the same room,then try to explain to her your feeling guilty,it should work,theres always work to be done,but hey,everybody has to have time off or they will start breaking down,it sounds like you two are kinda opostites but hell who know's for sure,try not to piss her off,and think it through,don't forget,women think differntlly,so you might have to "butter" it up a bit.

 

[NCNitro]

You need to grow up? What's that supposed to mean? I am 38, I will be 39 in August. You HAVE to allocate time in your life for yourself, married or not, kids or not. It may not be as much time or as often as you would like, but there has to be something. No matter how much you say you love her, you WILL begin to resent her if you are forced to give up everything else you enjoy. Think real hard before you make a big mistake you will regret later.

 

[retarded pilot]

i described this thread to my wife ...it acually made her angry she can't belive that a women with a child from another man having found someone to love her & her child and want to marry her would try to deny you things that you enjoy or allow others in her family to guilt you into working on the things THEY find important 24.7

were not even talking about the stink eye most of us married folk receive from time to time when we spend large amounts ....your talking about things you already own!

your not even married yet & the sex is next to nothing & your already being guilted for doing anything you enjoy...i dont even want to think about whats waiting for you by your 3rd anaversery? ...i know you love her but i hear nothing healthy in your relationship ....btw I'm 38 and married for 8 years now . and if theres money or time to spend on a hobby we do it

 

[Revo Rancher]

At first I thought her family might be Amish or something the way you described the constant work and no play rules, the farm, and working every minute of the day. Then you mentioned that your fiancee has the PhD.

I notice your sign on is "godale03", presumably for Dale Earnhardt. That means you are most likely a Nascar fan. Will this have to stop too? How much more will you be asked to give up as time goes on?

Also, as someone else pointed out, she is marrying you, not her family. Unless you plan to live with them for a long time, if at all, they really should be told by her that your personal life, as long as it is clean, belongs to you, If, however, she is siding with her parents, then you are doomed. She will always make you do what she wants, and doing it by guilt is NOT the way a relationship works.

For background, I got married at 35 to a gal who is 8 years younger than me. One of the reasons I picked this gal is that I feel in order to make a relationship work, one of the first things you must have is the love and respect of the in-laws, which I do have. That makes the marraige soooo much easier. (remember, "She's your problem now"?)

Also, one the reasons to work hard, and I am all for working hard, as I typically work 10-12 hours per day most days, is that then we can get to a point in our lives where we have a little extra money to spend on things we want to use for entertainment, not just our basic needs.

Take some time and really look at the future. Also, how does she have a 4 year old? Previous marraige? If so, why is it over? Or is the daughter from another non-marital relationship? What happened there?

 

[rocknbil]

godale you may not know this but I'm an older guy, been down this same road several times in my life until I finally GOT it.

The love and affection you experience right now is a sugar coating. You are going to wind up miserable, or making her miserable, this is going to be the biggest mistake you ever made.

Think of how you feel for her right now. Do you want to destroy all that and wind up hating her, or her hating you?

Here's what I "GOT" out of chasing the same types of relationships you're chasing now: This is a control issue. And you're totally giving up who you are and surrendering control to her, to her family. And here's what's going to happen: If she hasn't already, she is going to lose all respect for you and things are going to get WAY worse. I think she already has, the decrease in intimacy you're talking about is the first sign. "Good enough, got him where he wants it, now I can use that as another thing to control him with."

And here's the really really bad part: people are doomed to make the same mistakes over and over again, until they finally understand WHY they're making these mistakes. So if you go through with this, chances are very good the next two or three relationships you have afterward are going to be exactly the same thing! People will ask themselves, "why do I wind up in these types of relationships?" The answer to this is NOT the people they get involved with, but something in your OWN motivations draws them. Until you fix that, you'll always be right here.

This is not about your acting like a kid. This is not about too much work to do. Believe me, I put in 8-10 hours in a work day, 3-5 hours of side-work at home at night, and still manage to have time to play with my RC's and spend time with my wife (except for the last month or so, got other things going. )

The RC thing is just one facet of your character she sees you're interested in. If she has control over that, then she knows she can control everything else. It could be anything, and guess what - if you go through with this it will be EVERYTHING.

I know you love this woman, but if you do, you will not do this. You're going to wind up hating each other. Been there, done that, over and over, and yeah, feel like a total fool for doing so but eventually I got it.

Best of luck, and learn from your mistakes . . .

 

[lakings10]

Sounds like she is not the girl for you dude! I know you love her, but as time goes on, your really going to miss your old self, and what you use to do.

 

[Plaidfish]

Godale I think you need to define to yourself what "love" is......sounds like you're getting asked to change you so she can have something that you are not.....why did she "love" you in the first place then....I see so many nice guys get taken by a women that just needs to be in a relationship....so she'll find someone she likes but thinking the whole time "I can change that about him"......I will never let anyone change me from being me....change habits because I care for someone yes...but change your entire being....change what makes you .....You......look long and hard at what you are willing to do...if you can accept the controlling factors of this then do it.....but I would also wonder why anyone man or woman would want to be controlled????...PM me if you wanna speak freely on this cause this thread could end up being very personal and that's not always a good thing......

 

[Revo Rancher]

Hey, we haven't heard from godale03 in awhile, and he usually posts quite often.

R/C buddy, if I (even we) said anything untoward to you and your love, we mean it in the best interests of and for you, based upon our reading of your post. If I owe you an apology, then let me know. You certainly got a variety of responses, and if some of them, mine included, offended, I apologize.

 

[whuggs1]

godale03,
This might be too personal but is this the first girl you have slept with? I have always been told that your first time with another person often leads to loving them; going through this right now with my step daughter that has a 9 month old baby and she just turned 18 I also went through this myself a few years back with a girl for 6 years, :shrug: and finally broke it off. I wrote down all the pros and cons and cons won !

Now I’m married and as happy as can be, I met a girl on line and moved from OC,CA to PH,AZ to be with her. My wife is awesome and her family is great! My wife love’s quading, camping and all the fun stuff you will miss out on. My wife even bought me my first dirt bike and just let me buy my Tmaxx.

I know it is hard, but if you want to be happy don’t get married yet and never let anyone or there family change you or run your life, I’m 37 by the way.

Best of luck godale03. Follow your heart !

 

[Got Nitro?]

whuggs,can you adopt me,lol j/k,let's becarefull so this doesn't cause problems.

 

[Plaidfish]

whuggs that's a scary situation too....is the father a scumbag.....I know a lot of young girls here get pregnant and end up marrying some money bags so they have help raising their kid.....I see it too often down here.....

 

[whuggs1]

whuggs that's a scary situation too....is the father a scumbag.....I know a lot of young girls here get pregnant and end up marrying some money bags so they have help raising their kid.....I see it too often down here.....

Scumbag :hammer: ! With no money and thinks he can get by with good looks and now that he is 18 he can do what ever he wants. He is back in CA now with his mommy and my Stepdaughter will be moving there on May 23rd.

She was the good kid too, Now playdoh brain !