Just for you Sky

[El Pirata]

I may have already posted this but it's still funny:

Radio conversation released by the US Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

 

[mcvickj]

LMAO. Good one EP. :thumbup:

 

[Maxx Trooper]

lol. it would be pretty hard to move a lighthouse ... lol.

later

 

[SkyMaxx]

Depending on what the lighthouse is standing on, that amount of fire power could move it...but I would still not argue the point, and this post is still funny as hell...AND YES, EP you have posted this before.

The search is your friend...especially if you have crappy memory like EP.

CLICK HERE for the original thread posted a year and a half ago. Note the title ("Especially for Sky")

I don't know which is funnier the duplicate post, the fact that he couldn't remember for certain that he posted this already...or the post itself.

 

[robmob]

LMFAO on all counts.

 

[El Pirata]

Originally posted by SkyMaxx
Depending on what the lighthouse is standing on, that amount of fire power could move it...but I would still not argue the point, and this post is still funny as hell...AND YES, EP you have posted this before.

The search is your friend...especially if you have crappy memory like EP.

CLICK HERE for the original thread posted a year and a half ago. Note the title ("Especially for Sky&quot

I don't know which is funnier the duplicate post, the fact that he couldn't remember for certain that he posted this already...or the post itself.

Ouch, You want this dagger back now or do you need to twist it first?

 

[wdavidhicks]

Nuthin' worse than a guy who's heard your story before who provides the proof to show you told it before.

Speedbird: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate.

The BA 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?!"

Speedbird: "Standby ground, I'm looking up the gate location now.

Ground (with typical German patience): "Speedbird, have you never been to Frankfurt before?!"

Speedbird (coolly): "Yes, in 1944, but I didn't stop."

 

[El Pirata]

Here is another one:

Things not to say during sex:
I was trying to pick your friend up
I think it's on backwards
When is this supposed to feel good
Baby you're good enough to do this for a living
I tell you one thing that leak better be from the waterbed
Did I tell you my aunt Martha died in this bed
Wow, you're almost as good as my ex
Man that's bad.
Have you ever considered liposuction
On second thought, maybe we better turn the lights off
Sorry about the nametag, I can't remember names
Ya know my old girlfriend used to do it a lot longer
How long to you plan to be "almost there"
But everybody looks funny naked
Oh heck a little rugburn never hurt anyone
Do you accept visa
Would you pass me the remote
I hope you look as good when I am sober
Try not to smear my make up.
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs
Did I remember to take my pill
Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere
I told you it didn't work without batteries
I do this part better myself
Is that you or is your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes
It sure is nice being in bed with a woman I don't need to inflate
What tampon?
Now you aren't going to tell anyone, are you?
I hate women who think sex actually means something
I'm gonna need another beer for this
Did you see fatal attraction
Keep it down my wife is a light sleeper
You mean you're not my blind date
I want you to meet my parents
I want to have a baby with you

 

[SkyMaxx]

Originally posted by El Pirata
Ouch, You want this dagger back now or do you need to twist it first?

Naaa, you can add it to the growing collection. =devil

Besides, don't pirates need knives?

 

[El Pirata]

They're called dirks for pirates.

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winnersgreat prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers 'yes', he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:
DJ: 'Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'??
Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'
DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please.'
Contestant: 'Brian.'
DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'
Brian: 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Yes' Does that mean you're married or you're what'?
Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'
DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.
Brian: 'Sara.'
DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'
Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'
DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'
Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'
DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'
Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'
DJ: 'Brian! Stay with me here!'
Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'
DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'
Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'
DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'
Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'
DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you do it at 8 o'clock this morning?'
Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'
DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'
Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks...'
DJ: 'Uh huh...'
Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'
DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'
Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'
DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.' (3 minutes of commercials follow.)
DJ: 'Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?' (touch tones... ringing....)
Clerk: 'Kinkos.'
DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'
Clerk: 'This is she.'
DJ: 'Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'
Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'
DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'MateMatch'?'
Sarah: 'No.'
DJ: 'Good!'
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'
Brian (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'
DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World, tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?'
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Alright. When did you do it last , Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'
DJ: 'What time?'
Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'
DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'
Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'
DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?'
Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'
DJ: 'Where did you have it?'
Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?'
Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'
DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'
Sarah: 'Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and...'
DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
Sarah: 'In the ass.....'
After a long pause, the DJ said, 'Folks, we need to take a station break.....

 

[SkyMaxx]

ROFLMAO...that is fricking hilarious!

 

[El Pirata]

I thought you said something about signing off?

 

[Waste Land]

Just for you, EP

So, a pirate walks into a bar, the bartender says, "Hey, do you know you have a steering wheel on your crotch?" The pirate says,"Yes, arrrrgg...........it's been driving me nuts!"

 

[El Pirata]

Keep practicing Padiwan!

 

[Waste Land]

Originally posted by El Pirata
Keep practicing Padiwan!

comon, you know u laughed or something of the sort.

 

[El Pirata]

No I spent 10 minutes trying to figure it out.