A Few Jokes

[El Pirata]

Another Dr Demento classic
The 12 Days of a nuclear Holocaust
(Sing to the tune of the 12 days of Christmas)

On the first day of a nuclear holocaust my government gave to me
A knife with a very sharp blade

On the second day of a nuclear holocaust my government gave to me
2 hand grenades and
A knife with a very sharp blade

On the third day of a nuclear holocaust my government gave to me
3 M-16's
2 hand grenades and
A knife with a very sharp blade

On the fourth day of a nuclear holocaust my government gave to me
4 tommy guns
3 M-16's
2 hand grenades and
A knife with a very sharp blade


On the fifth day of a nuclear holocaust my government gave to me
5 sticks of dynamite
4 tommy guns
3 M-16's
2 hand grenades and
A knife with a very sharp blade

On the sixth day of a nuclear holocaust my government gave to me
6 moltalf ****tails
5 sticks of dynamite
4 tommy guns
3 M-16's
2 hand grenades and
A knife with a very sharp blade

On the seventh day of a nuclear holocaust my government gave to me
7 electric detonators
6 moltalf ****tails
5 sticks of dynamite
4 tommy guns
3 M-16's
2 hand grenades and
A knife with a very sharp blade

On the eighth day of a nuclear holocaust my government gave to me
8 bayonets
7 electric detonators
6 moltalf ****tails
5 sticks of dynamite
4 tommy guns
3 M-16's
2 hand grenades and
A knife with a very sharp blade

On the ninth day of a nuclear holocaust my government gave to me
9 cans of mace
8 bayonets
7 electric detonators
6 moltalf ****tails
5 sticks of dynamite
4 tommy guns
3 M-16's
2 hand grenades and
A knife with a very sharp blade

On the tenth day of a nuclear holocaust my government gave to me
10 nuclear submarines
9 cans of mace
8 bayonets
7 electric detonators
6 moltalf ****tails
5 sticks of dynamite
4 tommy guns
3 M-16's
2 hand grenades and
A knife with a very sharp blade

On the eleventh day of a nuclear holocaust my government gave to me
11 tons of nuclear waste
10 nuclear submarines
9 cans of mace
8 bayonets
7 electric detonators
6 moltalf ****tails
5 sticks of dynamite
4 tommy guns
3 M-16's
2 hand grenades and
A knife with a very sharp blade

On the twelfth day of a nuclear holocaust my government gave to me
BBBBBOOOOOOMMMMMM

 

[TINY_MAXX]

Good One !!!

 

[El Pirata]

Dr Demento, ya gotta love it
(Sing to the 12 days of christmas)
Several of these change along the way so you should read all of them.

The first thing at christmas that's suck a pain to me
Finding a christmas tree

The second thing at christmas that's sucka pain to me
Rigging up the lights
Finding a christmas tree

The third day of christmas that's such a pain to me
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
Finding a christmas tree

The fourth thing at christmas that's such a pain to me
Sending christmas cards
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
Finding a christmas tree

The fourth thing at christmas that's such a pain to me
5 months of bills
Sending christmas cards
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
Finding a christmas tree

The fifth thing at christmas that's such a pain to me
5 months of bills
Sending christmas cards
Hangovers
Rigging up the lights
Finding a christmas tree

The sixth thing at christmas that's such a pain to me
Facing my in-laws
5 months of bills
Oh I hate those christmas cards
Hangovers
Rigging up these lights
Finding a christmas tree

The seventh thing at christmas that's such a pain to me
Charities
Facing my in-laws
5 months of bills
Sending christmas cards
Oh jeez
I'm trying to rig up these lights
Finding a christmas tree

The eigth thing at christmas that's such a pain to me
Daddy I want a transformer for christmas
Charities
What do you mean your in-laws
5 months of bills
Oh making up these cards
Will you just get me a beer
What we have no extension cords
Finding a christmas tree

The ninth thing at christmas that's such a pain to me
Finding parking spaces
Daddy I want some candy
Donations
Facing my in-laws
5 months of bills
Writing all those christmas cards
Hangovers
Now why the heck are they blinking
Finding a christmas tree

The tenth thing at christmas that's such a pain to me
Batteries not included
No parking spaces
Daddy I want some candy
Get a job ya bum
Facing my in-laws
5 months of bills
Yo ho sending christmas cards
Oh jeez look at this
One light goes out they all go out
Finding a christmas tree

The eleventh thing at christmas that's such a pain to me
Stale TV specials
Batteries not included
No parking spaces
Daddy I need to go to the bathroom
Charities
She's a witch I hate her
5 months of bills
Oh I don't even know half these people
Who's got the toilet paper
Get a flashlight, I blew a fuse
Finding a christmas tree

The twelvth thing at christmas that's such a pain to me
Singing christmas carols
Stale TV specials
Batteries not included
No parking
(crying sounds)
Charities
Making them dinner
5 months of bills
That's it I'm not sending them this year
Shut up you
Fine! You rig up the lights
Finding a christmas tree

Advice From Men to Women

Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'

If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.

Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.

Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.

Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.

Please don't drive when you're not driving.

Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.

The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!

When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.

What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.

When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying 'Oh, this is our exit, Honey' is not really necessary.

When you're not around, I belch so loudly that I even appall myself.

The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.

SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.

Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?

If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!

 

[El Pirata]

A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation.

After a stimulating, healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room. There they found a strange-looking woman sitting at the door's entrance.

"Welcome to the ladies room," she said. "Be sure to check out our newest feature - a mirror which will award you one wish if you look into it and make a truthful statement. But, be warned, if you say something false you'll be sucked into the mirror and you'll live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!" The three women were intrigued so they gave it a shot.

The brunette looked into the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three girls." Instantly, the brunette was surrounded by a pile of money.

The redhead stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most talented of us three girls." Suddenly, the red head found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.

Excited about the possibility of having her wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

 

[Hunter]

Good set EL

 

[El Pirata]

Beer Troubleshooting


SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.

SYMPTOM: Truck suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and laughs.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Cold and unable to unlock door to hotel room.
FAULT: Woke up in hotel room, got up to go to bathroom and chose wrong door.
ACTION: Knock loudly on door to wake sleeping wife. If this fails, find hotel worker to unlock door for you.

 

[El Pirata]

Subject: Fw: CATS & HEAVEN

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?" The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"

 

[El Pirata]

I came across this and wondered if these were Canal Zone Police quotes. They sure sound like it.

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do
that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas,
but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Just how big were those two beers?"

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

 

[El Pirata]

Let's face it: English is a stupid language!

There is no egg in eggplant. There is no ham in hamburger.
and neither pine or apple in pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England. French fries were not invented in france. we sometimes take English for granted.
But if we examine the paradoxes, we find that:
Quicksand takes you down slowly.
Boxing rings are square.
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.
if a writer writes, how come fingers don't fing? If the plural of tooth is teeth, Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught, Why didn't the preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What the heck does a humanitarian eeat?
Why do people recite at a play, yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can the weather be hot as hell on one day and cold as hell on another?
You have to marvel at the lunacy of a language where a house can burn up as it burns down?
and in which you fill in a form by filling it out?
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which, of course, isn't a race, at all!
That is why when the stars are out, they are visible.
But when the lights are out, they are invisible.
And why is it that when I wind up my watch, it starts.
But, when I wind up this "poem", it ends.

author unknown....

 

[El Pirata]

A skipper who operates the boat called the Margery suddenly married. One of his cronies asked if he was going to rechristen the boat in honor of his new bride, Shirley.

"Nope," replied the skipper. "But if Shirley makes as good a wife as Margery makes a boat, I might change HER name to Margery."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads a dog's life is probably well founded. "He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture."
-*"*-.,,.-*"*-.,,.-*"*-.,,.-*"*-.,,.-*"*-
Three monks of the Trappist order, which has a rule of silence, asked the abbot's permission to speak with one another. The abbot granted the oldest monk privilege to speak one sentence that year on a coming feast day. He granted the youngest the right to speak one sentence on that feast day one year later. The third brother was to wait still another year for his feast day privilege.

Following breakfast the first year the oldest monk said, "I hate oatmeal."

A year went by and after breakfast the youngest brother said, "I like oatmeal."

Another year passed and the third monk said, "I'm getting awfully tired of this constant bickering over oatmeal!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One modern artist has a thriving arrangement with a psychiatrist. If a customer is so sick as to want one of his paintings, he sends him around to his analyst - and they split the fee.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My grandfather recently had a run in with the power company. After the worst snowfall of the year, when it was impossible for anybody to get around to check meters, he received an estimated bill for $59. Annoyed, he returned the bill with the following note: "Enclosed is a check for $35.50. I reckon I can estimate as good as you folks."

 

[El Pirata]

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dogs face it gets mad at you but when you take the dog in a car it sticks its head out the window?

Sometimes...when you cry, no one sees your tears. Sometimes... when you are happy, no one sees your smile. But fart just one time....

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments!

Why is it that if someone tells you that there is 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint on it you will have to touch it to be sure!

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE.

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags"and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

There are three religious truths:
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Catholic/Christian faith.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

 

[El Pirata]

What do you call an eternity?
Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.

Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland "Left", so they turned around and went home.

What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.

What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.

Why did the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.

Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.

How can you tell when a Blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.

Why can't Blondes dial 911?
They can't find the 11 on the phone!

What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

How can you tell if a Blonde has been using your computer?
There is white-out all over the monitor.

Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.

A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said, "Oh look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said,
"Where?"

How do you drown a Blonde?
Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
They drowned in Spring Training.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her joke on Wednesday.

What do you call a blond between 2 brunettes?
A mental block

Did you hear about the blond that broke her leg while raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree

How does a blond kill a fish?
She drowns it

 

[El Pirata]

Hallmark Cards You'll Never See

1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire.
I noticed your cat. Sorry!

3. You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mend.
Here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

4. You've announced that you're ***,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

5. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

6. Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it.
She moved in with me

7. You totaled your car.
And can't remember why.
Could it have been.
That whole case of Bud Dry?

SOME MESSAGES YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:

"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell 'til I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."

"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."

"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket ....I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday-so we're having you put to sleep."

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in the Deep South)

 

[El Pirata]

Got this in an e-mail this morning:
The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. It was a guide for hiring women. This was serious and written for male supervisors of women in the workforce during World War II - a mere 56 years ago! Obviously, the intent was not to be "funny" but, by today's standards, this is hilarious! For those of you with efficiency issues, pay attention to #8.

Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women Employees:

There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from Western Properties:

1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.

2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.

3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls -those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even-tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.

4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but also reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.

5. Stress at the outset the importance of time, the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.

6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when
they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.

7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.

8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.

9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.

10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.

11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy.