Bonehead of the Day

[El Pirata]

I take it you found some boneheads.

 

[SkyMaxx]

One doesn't have to look far to find them...

 

[SkyMaxx]

I rest my case...

 

[El Pirata]

Originally posted by SkyMaxx
One doesn't have to look far to find them...

Yeah, I found you.

 

[El Pirata]

Bonehead award one goes to a Roselle, Illinois teenager and an Elgin, Illinois teenager who, to prove their courage, took turns drenching their shorts with gasoline, lighting them on fire, and then rolling around the ground to put them out. But after three tries the shorts had too much gasoline on them to allow the flames to be so easily extinguished. One boy suffered second-degree burns from his waist down and had to be taken to the hospital.

No charges were filed.

"Each one of them participated by their own free will," police said. "Being totally stupid is not a crime."


.............

Bonehead award two, a "too dumb to be a criminal" bonehead award, goes
to a UK shoplifter who, after being caught, gave police a false name
which happened to be the name of someone wanted by police for jumping
bail. So he got his bail denied.

Said the judge, "This was a performance of crass stupidity. At least
most defendants have the wherewithal of giving a name which gives them
a chance of bail."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Bonehead award three, another "too dumb to be a criminal" bonehead
award goes to an Australian man who

· Checked into the Crown Casino, presenting his membership card, a
card that is only given to a member after a 100-point identity check,
and which includes the member's address.

· Played an electronic gaming machine in full view of security cameras

· Did not wear gloves and so left behind his fingerprints

· And only then walked over to the cashier's desk and robbed it at
gunpoint

· When given a six-figure sum discovered he had nothing to stash the
money in

· Spent so much time trying to stuff the money into his pockets that
police arrived before he left

· Made it out by threatening to use his gun but had not arranged for a
getaway vehicle and so jumped into a taxi where the taxi security
camera recorded him in close-up footage.

· Left behind a wad of cash after he left the taxi

According to police who are not short on leads.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Bonehead award four, an "unclear on the concept" bonehead award goes
to security folks at Pittsburgh International Airport who wouldn't let
officials enter the airport with a pair of scissors so they could cut
the ribbon on a new exhibit. Instead the ribbon had to be torn by
hand.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

[Hunter]

It wasn't M in that first award was it???

 

[SkyMaxx]

That would explain alot, now wouldn't it?

 

[Hunter]

Yes it would

 

[El Pirata]

Originally posted by Hunter
It wasn't M in that first award was it???

Probably!

 

[El Pirata]

Justice is blind, but only because it has its head up its butt. A
bonehead award to an Edmonton, Canada man and a judge.

An Edmonton, Canada, man won damages from a store (potentially
$100,000 or more) for hurting himself while being on in-line skates
for the first time in his life while waiting at the store to begin
lessons and where he decided to go ahead and skate down a hill before
the instructor arrived, even though store personnel asked him to wait
for the instructor to arrive before skating. He says that as he went
down the hill he suddenly realized he didn't know how to stop.

How could the store possibly be responsible?

Justice Donald Lee of the Court of Queen's Bench said the store is
responsible because someone at the store told the man that in-line
skating is similar to ice skating and therefore it was reasonable for
the idiot to assume that he could go ahead and skate down a hill as
his first experience with in-line skates, without lessons, since he
did know how to ice skate.

>>>>>>>>>>>>

Bonehead award two, a "too dumb to be a criminal" bonehead award, goes
to an employee of the Kentucky Fried Chicken store in Mill Valley,
California who had a side business giving out marijuana with the food
to people who knew that the pass phrase to get marijuana was to ask
for "extra biscuits," according to police who say the scheme fell
apart the first time someone actually wanted extra biscuits.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Man claims his cow's spit heals diseases. Man no longer has to work
for a living.

Bonehead award three goes to those Cambodians who have been flocking
to a cow owner's home and paying him to let his cow lick them, simply
believing the man's claim that doing so will cure many of their
illnesses.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Technical Support That's Second To None

Bonehead award four, a "technical support as good as it gets" bonehead
award, goes to the Microtek Corporation which has posted on its
website in the Microtek film scanner support section, "In an effort to
provide prompt and efficient technical support to our customers,
Microtek technical advisors cannot respond to messages or fax requests
for technical support assistance."

New Scientist

 

[El Pirata]

Bonehead award one goes to the Branch County, Michigan sheriff's
department and a Coldwater, Michigan radio station for warning
residents that al-Qaeda agents were involved in a nationwide
telemarketing scam. Their information came from an article in the
satire publication, The Onion.

You have to wonder why they would have taken that article seriously,
especially when it appeared alongside another article headlined, "Bush
Sends Troops To West Nile," an article claiming that President Bush
was vowing to "exact justice for the taking of innocent American
lives" following the death of three more people from the West Nile
virus.

The dispatch from the sheriff's office contained the following:

"In the course of this investigation, it was learned that this is
going on throughout the United States and some of these telemarketing
programs are believed to be operated by Al-Qaeda. The CIA has
announced that they acquired a videotape showing Al-Qaeda members
making phone solicitations for vacation home rentals, long distance
telephone service, magazine subscriptions and other products."

In the Onion article, it is explained that the al-Qaeda telemarketers
were purposely calling during dinner hours to terrorize Americans
which was proof as to how low that organization would stoop in
creating terror.

This is the second time we've reported that an article from the Onion
was taken seriously. The last time it was a major Peking newspaper
that reprinted an Onion article about how Congress was threatening to
leave Washington D.C. if it didn't get a new Capital building with a
retractable dome (see http://www.escribe.com/humor/bonehead/m665.html)

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"Stupidest Excuse In The World" Bonehead Award

"No offense to the chief, but that's a pretty lame explanation. You'd
think of all people, the chief of police would be able to find a way
to keep from getting lost."

Comment made by a spokesperson at a Frog Hollow, Connecticut
after-school center when the Hartford police chief (bonehead award
winner two) disappointed students by not showing up to talk to them as
promised, claiming instead that he arrived at the building but couldn'
t find the entrance after walking around the entire building and so he
left.

>>>>>>>>>>>>

When in Australia, remember these two simple, but important rules when
walking in the street:

1. Always look up
2. Be prepared to run like heck.

Bonehead award three, a "government as good as it gets" bonehead
award, goes to the Australian Federal Attorney General's Department
which has ruled that blind and mentally disabled people can not be
barred from becoming airline pilots or air traffic controllers because
doing so breaches anti-discrimination laws. This means that pilots,
flight navigators, flight engineers and air traffic controllers will
no longer have to pass eye and hearing tests and can have other
medical conditions that could affect safety.

The Civil Aviation Safety Authority has filed an "urgent" application
to the Human Rights and Equal Opportunity Commission for an exemption
from the Sex and Disability Discrimination Acts, for obvious reasons.
"Without [enforceable medical standards] you would not be able to
guarantee the safety of flights because you couldn't guarantee that
pilots were safe to carry out their jobs," they say, rather obviously,
at least to some people.

 

[El Pirata]

They Better Not Tell Any More Blond Jokes After Falling For This One

Bonehead award one goes to CNN, ABC News, Reuters, Stuff (New Zealand), The London Daily Mail, the BBC and a host of other large media news sources which reported yesterday that the World Health Organization (WHO) concluded that blonds would become extinct by 2202 owing to the blond gene being recessive.

WHO never released such a report, for those of you who still believe that the media always checks their stories for accuracy.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I Gave Her My Heart But She Wanted My Testicle

''I love that girl. That's my heart, my soul, and that's my better half. I told the (District Attorney) the other day I'm not prosecuting
her.''

Comment made by a Nashville man, bonehead award winner two, in response to being asked why he is still living with the woman who ripped out one of his testicles with her fingernails during a fit of anger.

The testicle was reattached. But for how long?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Bonehead award three goes to some folks at the Bureau of Land
Management in Prineville, Oregon. Can you say "mass hysteria?"

A strange odor in the office that resulted in several people claiming to have become so sick from it that they needed to be hospitalized, and which forced the closing of the office for three days, turned out to be the smell of someone's Mexican Food.

 

[El Pirata]

Bonehead award one goes to someone at brokerage firm Bear Stearns who, 20 minutes before the closing of the New York Stock Exchange, entered an order to sell $4 billion worth of stocks instead of $4 million worth of stocks. Perhaps Bear Stearns should get a bonehead award too for not building safety protocols into their trading system.

Before they could undo the order, $622 million worth of orders had gone through.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

The Turtle and the Hare Brain

Bonehead award two goes to a Helsingborg, Sweden, apartment tenant who provided his pet turtle with a steady stream of tap water at a steady temperature of 97F (36C) for 18 straight months. The cost of the 5,000 cubic meters of water used for the turtle and the 160,000 KWh of heating, along with costs incurred by the landlord to try to find out why his water and heating bills were skyrocketing, came to $15,100.

Turtle man has agreed to pay these costs and has stopped running the water.

>>>>>>>>>>>>

Bonehead award three goes to Montana's Libertarian Senatorial
candidate, Stan Jones who, because of his gullibility and inability to think rationally, has turned his skin a permanent silver blue color.

In 1999, fearing that Y2K disruptions would cut short the supply of
antibiotics, and believing the hype that a colloidal silver concoction
would fight bacteria and boost the immune system, Jones began taking the colloidal silver preparation which does nothing except turn your skin gray and or blue and get you a bonehead award.

But this is good news for the folks in Montana. It isn't often that a
politician gets to show his true colors before an election.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Bonehead award four, a "too dumb to be a criminal" bonehead award goes to a Miami, Florida bank robber

.Who walked into the same bank he robbed three weeks earlier wearing the same sun glasses and sports jacket and who was arrested when police were called down by a teller who recognized him

· Who a day earlier, while trying to rob a bank, shot off his gun
while putting it into his pants pocket and

· Who got hit by a van as he ran from the bank, leaving behind too gold teeth from which his DNA will be extracted for evidence.

 

[El Pirata]

Bonehead award one, a "stupidest excuse in the world" bonehead award, goes to a Pennsylvania couple charged by police with, among other things, attempting to lure what they believed to be a 15-year-old girl who they met over the Internet to a hotel meeting place to have sex.

But they claimed they were only interested in studying people who want to have sex with children and they fervently denied in court that they had any intention or plans of having sex with her despite the police having found in the hotel room two leashes hanging on the lamps, two riding crops, two dog collars, ropes tied around the bed posts, 60 miscellaneous sex toys including a feather, lingerie, restraints, hose clamps, tweezers, clothespins, "a variety of ropes and cords," and a bottle of Viagra.


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


Bonehead award two, an "unclear on the concept" bonehead award, goes to delegates at the African World Conference Against Racism who expelled a dozen white people and an Asian couple because they wanted to restrict the conference "against racism" to only black people.

>>>>>>>>>>>>

Yes, but can it vacuum up anthrax?

Bonehead award three goes to all those people who made it necessary for the company that makes Shop-Vac vacuum cleaners to include the following warning labels:

"WARNING! Shop-Vac Brand vacuum cleaners should NOT be used, with or without a HEPA filter, for cleaning up hazardous materials including anthrax."

"Shop-Vac Brand HEPA Filters and Shop-Vac Brand vacuum cleaning units have not been designed or tested for cleaning up hazardous materials including anthrax."

And in case it still isn't clear, the third warning reads:

"Therefore we DO NOT recommend the sale or use of Shop-Vac Brand vacuum cleaners with or without a HEPA filter for cleaning up hazardous materials including anthrax.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"I was told that they only do that in the movies. In which case my
advice to the police is: Watch more movies."

Comment made by circuit judge Finn Lyngheim of Norway about the response he got from Norwegian police (bonehead award winners) when he asked them if they had tasted the contents of a bag of white wheat flour they found on a man before arresting him for possession of amphetamines, locking him away for an unspecified amount of time, and then testifying in court that they were certain that the contents of the bag was indeed amphetamines.

 

[El Pirata]

Bonehead award one is a "too dumb to be a criminal" bonehead award.

Roger and Shirley Labelle of Cavendish, Vermont returned home from vacation and found their house completely empty. Even the boat, the boat hitch, the lawn tractors, the barbecue grill and the faucets were gone. Even more bizarre is that they found that their neighbors were in possession of much of their property.

So, what happened?

Turns out their NEIGHBOR, Stewart Fuller, bonehead award winner one, emptied their house and then held a giant 3-day yard sale at HIS HOUSE to sell the stolen items. He told the neighbors that the Labelle's needed the money and had asked him to sell their stuff. The dummy even gave people receipts for their purchases.

And he was pretty incompetent at running a yard sale too, having
collected only about $548 for the $30,000 worth of items. In one case he sold the lawn tractors, a barbecue grill and the boat trailer for just $30.

He's being held on $10,000 bail on felony charges.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

In the same vein, bonehead award two, also a "too dumb to be a
criminal bonehead award," goes to a group of New Zealand burglars who cleaned out their neighbor's house to furnish their own home JUST AROUND THE CORNER, according to police who say the neighbors reported watching them all day long just moving stuff over to their house, just 10 houses away.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"It was like this guy cared more for his precious beer bottles getting smashed than he did for his son going through the windshield."

Comment made by Traffic Sergeant Cam Woolley of Mississauga, Ontario, who pulled over a driver, bonehead award winner three, for failing to buckle his 9-year-old son into a seatbelt but who made sure to safely buckle up his case of beer.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

What Grade Does a Bonehead Get?

Bonehead award four goes to "hundreds of Calcutta (India) University students" who scored a big fat zero in their final exams after completing their exams by using pornographic stories and poems.

What the.?

The University doesn't know what this is all about. "Some students do score zero every year, but poems and love stories in answer scripts is a new feature this year," according to a University spokesperson.

 

[El Pirata]

Good News For Folks Looking For A Mortgage In Orange County,
California. You Now Have One Less Bank To Consider

Bonehead award one goes to Washington Mutual Bank in Orange County, California, which, after a couple paid their first home payment of $3,943.33 under a repayment agreement, the amount told to them by one of their bank tellers, an amount that happened to be $51.56 less than the amount should have been, returned the check to the couple saying they don't accept partial payments and then immediately foreclosed on the house and sold it to a speculator for $190,000 less than its market value. The family lost $300,000 in equity value.

Orange County Superior Court Judge James P. Gray, calling the bank's actions "horrendous," told the family to "stay put" in their house and ordered the bank to find a way to undo the house sale.

The bank refuses to comment.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Bonehead award two goes to a 24-year-old South Korean man who died at an Internet café after playing computer games nonstop for 86 hours. He neither ate nor slept during the 86 hours.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Watch What I Can Do With a Gun!

Bonehead award three goes to an Erie County, New York man who, while showing off to his girlfriend, stuck his .22-caliber pistol into his pants and accidentally shot himself in the groin. Police also arrested him when they discovered he was using a stolen gun.

No doubt she was real impressed.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Bonehead award four goes to a 25-year-old Toronto man was arrested for posing as a "lactation technician" at a Toronto hospital where he provided hands on assistance to breastfeeding women.

 

[El Pirata]

New one born each day!!!

WARNING! Today's Issue May Not Be Good For You For Some Reason Or
Another. So There! Now You Can't Sue Us. Nah Nah Nah Nah!

Bonehead award one goes to some folks in the State Of California who
thought it was prudent to pass Proposition 65 which permits any
private citizen to bring suit against any company that fails to
provide "clear and reasonable warnings" on any product that gives
exposure to chemicals "known to the state to cause cancer or
reproductive toxicity." And to encourage things to get out of hand,
25 percent of assessed civil penalties (up to $2,500) goes to the
claimant as well as a rebate for their attorney fees.

So, what do you think has happened?

So far bounty hunters have created lawsuits against the following
products for not coming along with a warning label:

· Picture frames
· Light bulbs
· Christmas lights
· Electrical tape
· Braces
· Game darts
· Stained glass lamps
· Fire logs
· Exercise weights
· Hammers
· Terrariums
· Tools
· Cue chalk
· Slim fast
· Calcium supplements
· Antacids
· Multivitamins


And now CHOCOLATE makers are being sued because, as is true with any
"natural" product, chocolate contains miniscule amounts of chemicals,
which in large quantities can be toxic. In this case chocolate
contains a miniscule amount of lead. The law says that only a
"detectable" exposure need be shown and that product safety is not a
consideration.

California has made it possible for anyone to sue just about any
manufacturer that sells a product in the state!

Thank you California for raising the cost of doing business for
manufacturers so that everyone else in the country has to pay out the
money that goes to the leaches you've empowered with your nonsensical
law.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

You! Out of the gene pool!

Bonehead award two goes to a 35-year-old Staten Island, New York City
man who was critically injured when he hit his head on a beam while
standing on top of a subway train to do some "subway surfing" while
the train was moving.

We await the lawsuit against New York City for not putting a warning
label on the top of subway cars warning him not to stand up on the
train roof while the train is moving through the tunnel.

 

[El Pirata]

Bonehead award three a "why there are lawyer jokes" bonehead award
goes to an attorney, defending a fake doctor in Guadalajara, Mexico,
dubbed the "beautykiller," who has permanently disfigured and
seriously maimed and injured about 141 women by giving them injections
of industrial silicone for the purpose of breast enlargement who said,
in defense of the allegations against his client, and in explanation
as to why his client should not be prosecuted, "She hasn't killed
anyone, and none of these women was a beauty."

Many women have had to have mastectomies and multiple amputations as a
result of the injections.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Boneheads four and five are "press one if you are a caller with no
brains" bonehead awards.

The first award goes to a Stafford, Virginia fast-food restaurant
manager who, wanting the day off from work, called police anonymously
to report a rooftop sniper, according to police who traced the call
back to his restaurant.

The second goes to a Luton, UK, man who, having arrived at Heathrow
Airport too late to catch his flight to Pakistan, and who, wanting the
plane to return to the airport, phoned police claming he planted a
bomb on the plane, according to police who traced the call back to his
cell phone.

 

[El Pirata]

Crash Dummy

Bonehead award one goes to a 28-year-old UK man who has totaled more
than 30 cars in 11 years in 94 car accidents and amazingly still has a
driver's license. Seems the UK government should get an award as
well.

He once destroyed a car he bought after just 19 hours. Neither his
friends nor his girlfriend will ride in a car he drives.

Says his girlfriend, "Craig is a terrible driver and we have had loads
of rows about it. He's always talking when he's at the wheel or
looking the wrong way - and that's how the accidents happen. It's got
to the point where I won't get in the car with him."

Surprisingly he's never been more than scratched in any accident nor
has anyone else been hurt.


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Bonehead award two, a "government as good as it gets" bonehead award
goes to the State of Massachusetts for wasting $300,000 of public
money to come up with the dumb state slogan, "Massachusetts . . . Make
It Yours," which is not only not clever and not catchy but is
meaningless. The state rejected all entries submitted by residents in
a much-hyped contest, apparently because the state has poor, but
expensive, taste and so instead decided to pay an advertising agency.

Some of the submitted, but rejected slogans from the public, included
"Massachusetts: Where Freedom Begins," "Massachusetts is Magic" and
"Come Share the Common Wealth"

The tourism industry folks in Massachusetts are unanimously
disappointed.


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Think Before You Leap . . . Under a Train

Bonehead award three is from a story sent in by reader Christine and
it goes to an 18-year-old Rutland, Vermont man who tragically lost
both legs when he tried crawling underneath a moving freight train
because he didn't want to wait for it to pass by before he could get
to the other side of the tracks.

Barre Times-Argus (Vermont) 14-Oct-02


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Bonehead award four goes to the Washington State University student
newspaper for having to print the following correction about a
previous story headlined, "Filipino-American history recognized:"

"The (Washington State University) Daily Evergreen would like to
sincerely apologize for an injustice served to the Filipino-American,
Spanish-speaking and Catholic communities on the front page of
Thursday's Evergreen. The story 'Filipino-American history recognized'
stated that the 'Nuestra Senora de Buena Esperanza,' the galleon on
which the first Filipinos landed at Morro Bay, Calif., loosely
translates to 'The Big Ass Spanish Boat.' It actually translates to
'Our Lady of Good Hope.'"

The newspaper had gotten the translation off some web site somewhere.

 

[El Pirata]

Bonehead award one goes to a Washington State man who set fire to his
two mini-vans and almost put his father's home on fire when he tried
siphoning gasoline from one van to another by using an electric
wet-dry vacuum which, of course, ignited the gasoline fumes owing to
the sparks coming from the vacuum motor.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

This next story is from Ray Meyer III of Port Washington, Wisconsin.

This Is What Happens When A Man Who Siphons Gasoline Using an Electric
Vacuum Grows Up to Be a Sea Captain

Bonehead award two goes to the Captain of a Chinese oil tanker who,
when the tanker began leaking oil, signaled for help by lighting a
signal flare which caused an explosion that seriously injured eight
seamen and left two others missing when the flare came into contact
with the leaking fuel.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Bonehead 3:

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

At Least It's Accurate

Bonehead award four, a "government as good as it gets" bonehead award
goes to US Congressman Rod Blagojevich who, during his first debate
recently with Attorney General Jim Ryan, said, "In my opinion, we can'
t wait to educate our children, because today's 5 year-old next year
will be 6."

This is so true.