Random Jokes

[mr_bob]

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. Well, now that I think about it, I think you bring me bad luck!



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A man takes his clothes off and says to his wife. “Honey, I lost 10 pounds, do you see my six-pack?”
The wife looks at him puzzled and silent for a moment. She then said, “No dear, I don’t see a six pack but I do see a six piece”.
The husband is shocked, with a surprised look he asks, “A six piece?”
“Yes, she says, a six piece…. 2 legs, 2 thighs, and 2 breasts”!!!!!!




sorry thought these were funny had to share

 

[olds97_lss]

From a friend of mine (we're both married...)

The Broken Lawnmower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the truck, the car, always
something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her
point. When I arrived home one day, I found her
seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away
with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went
into the house. I was gone only a few minutes.
When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you
might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will
always have a limp.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
always right, and the other is a husband.

 

[.21Rc10GT]

Olds, That is hilarious!!!

 

[RevoME]

On a Female Congress hundreds of women where gathered to share their experiences with re-programming their husbands.

A beautiful italian woman gets up, walks to the podium and starts explaining to the crowd:

Italian accent:
Hello, my name is Rosa!
"I tolde my husbande to clean the garage up, if not I woulde not make myself available to him for several days." The first day, I could not see anything, but on the second day, the garage was clean and sparkling, he even mowed the lawn!

The crowd is cheering and laughing, applause sets in and won't stop for several minutes!

A german woman gets up, walks to the podium and announces:

"Helloo, my name is Gudrun!
When my husband had not mowed ze lawn for a week, and would not clean ze bathroom after taking a shower, there was no sex, and I served him no breakfast, lunch or dinner. On ze first day I could not see anything, on ze second day nothing happened, but on ze third he was running to do all zhis and was ever since very helpful in ze household, he even helps me with za kids! I'm happy!"

The crowd is paying standing ovations, music sets in, and everyone sings and laughs for several minutes.

After it calms down, a arabic (turkish) woman slowly walks to the podium and gets ready to tell her story:

"Hello, my name Isalama!
my husband eats in bedroom and wants to have sex 9 times a day. He does not shower, wash or shave for weeks. Last time I washed his feet I smiled and said, my love, if you would not eat in bed, and shower sometimes we would have more fun and it would not tickle in bed so bad.
I could not see anything the first day, and I could not see anything the second day, but about one week later my left eye would open a little bit again!

 

[olds97_lss]

Aahhh, the old switcheroo! I like it RevoME!

 

[Jeep]

Dear Abbey,

I am in desperate need of some good advice.
It all started when I noticed that my wife was spending more and more time going out with some of the "girls from work", but they never pick her up from our home, it's always from just a ways up the road we live on, and they always drop her off "up the road" and she walks to the house. I also noticed that many times when I answer the phone, the caller just hangs up.
Most recently, I reached for her cell phone to see what time it was, and she about had a fit over it. I hated my suspicions, but I just had to know for sure what was going on.
So, last night about the time she was going to come home from "a night out with the girls" , I went outside and hid down beside my 1997 Harley Softail Custom in an effort to see the who it was that was dropping her off.
It was at that exact moment when I notice the rocker box on the rear cylinder was starting to leak oil.

My question is: Can I repair this myself, or should I take the bike to a shop?

Sincerely,
Seriousproblems

From a friend of mine (we're both married...)

The Broken Lawnmower

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the truck, the car, always
something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her
point. When I arrived home one day, I found her
seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away
with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went
into the house. I was gone only a few minutes.
When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you
might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will
always have a limp.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
always right, and the other is a husband.

This reminded me of on old one I had forgotten:

One summer Saturday afternoon, a man is sitting on his porch having a beer and relaxing in the shade as he watched his wife out in the yard mowing.
Several beers later, he's now watching his wife weed the garden. And after a couple of sixpacks, he's watching his wife trim the hedges, still relaxing in his rocking chair.
The lady that lives next door has been watching him and thinking "what a lazy ass this guy is, watching his wife work this hard and not even acting like he's going to help at all!"
At this point, the neighbor is fuming mad and storms over onto his porch and screams at him "How dare you! You should be HUNG for making your wife work her ass off while you sit there being worthless!"
He leans back and grins as he interlocks his fingers and rests his hands onto of his head and calmly replies
" Lady, I am, why else do you think a woman would work so hard?"

 

[Karl M]

Three women were out for a "Ladies" weekend away from their husbands and kids. They are driving down the road with the top down, listening to Melisa Ethridge with all the "Girl Talk" that goes along. They see a billboard that announces a Women only Hotel and decide this is just the thing for them. They walk up the the reception desk to check in, the desk clerk informs them that they are allowed to stay on any of the five floors that they would like, and the use of the ammenities on these five floors is complimentry.
They step out of the lobby to the first floor, the sign reads:
This floor contains men who have jobs but treat their ladies like poop.
The women decide there has to be something better so they go to the second floor, the sign reads:
This floor has men who are sensitive to women but have a minimun wage job.
This is better but the women decide to continue to the third floor, the sign reads:
This floor contains men who are sensitive to womens needs, treat their ladies like princeses, but have no job.
Now we are getting some where, they think and continue to the fourth floor, the sign reads:
This floor contains men who are sensitive to women needs, treat them like princeses, shower them with affection, and are extremely rich.
This has the women all hot and bothered and they race to the fifth floor. They are taking stairs two at a time, shoving each other out of the way to be the first there. They reach the fifth floor breathless, the sign reads:
This floor contains nothing, the only purpose this floor has is to prove there is no pleasing a woman.

 

[rocknbil]

What did the elephant say to the naked man in the jungle?






It's cute, but can it pick up peanuts?

==========================


Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind.

And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

==========================


A young man goes on a sea cruise and a terrible storm kicks up. The ship capsizes and he finds himself stranded on a deserted island. Thinking himself the sole survivor, he begins building a signal fire, then sees a lone figure coming up the beach . . . .

Amazed and astounded, as she comes closer it's not only a woman . . . . it's Elizabeth Hurley!*

After getting over the awkward meeting, they work together on the fire, collecting food, building camp. Weeks roll by and no sign of rescue, they are stranded. Naturally they take comfort with each other's company, fall in love . . and life is actually quite grand, stranded on a desert island with a beautiful woman.

One day the young man seems quite depressed, and Liz asks what's wrong. "Okay this is going to sound weird . . . but please . . . trust me on this one. I have a favor to ask of you."

Confused, but curious, she says "Okay."

He quickly gathers some cocoanut shell strands, adheres it to her upper lip with gum arabic (winging it here) so she has a moustache, then puts one of the hats on her head that washed ashore. "Okay, I want you to start walking down the beach . . . keep going all the way around the island until you see me on the other side."

Weird, she thinks . . . but starts walking.

Fortunately it's a small island, smaller than the length of this joke. She sees him coming up the beach, and as he gets closer he begins to run. He comes up to her, grabs her by the arms, with the tone of an excited schoolboy says . . .





"DUDE! You'll NEVER guess who I'm sleeping with!"


*Enter favorite hottie here

============================

Three women go out for a girls' night out and start talking about their husbands.

The first says, "my husband is an architect. Whe we make love it has form and function!"

The second says, "my husband is an artist. When we make love it has passion and feeling."

The third says "My husband works for MicroSoft. All the f***er does is sit on the end of the bed and tell me how great it's going to be when it gets here."