How many does it take?

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I know there are a thousand of these out there, so I'll start with one of my favorites.

How many men does it take to open a cold beer?
NONE. It should be open by the time she brings it. :drink:
 
How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?

What's a light bulb?
 
How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side.


Sent from my Pipboy-3000
 
Counting from Zero backwards

How many psychiatrists, does it take, to change a light bulb?

Just one, but the light bulb, has to really want to make thee change.

Chas
 
Knock your self out...

How many ______ does it take to change a light bulb?
Frank Zappa would have approved... Wicked Grin

How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
Calvinists do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions and pray the light bulb will decide to change itself.

How many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
CHANGE???????

No. Really, how many Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.

How many neo-evangelicals does it take to change a light bulb?
No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.

How many Church of Christ Members does it take to change a light bulb?
Six men. One to authorize the change; two to look up the scriptures to see if it's something Jesus or Paul would approve of; and three to keep the women in submission, i.e. keeping them from giving advice, instructions, or usurping authority over the men.

How many Pentecostals does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. but for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.

How many fundamentalists or independent Baptists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one because any more would be compromise and ecumenical standards of light would slip.

How many liberals does it take to change a light Bulb?
At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb they still may not change it to keep from alienating those who might use other forms of light.

How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They always use candles.

How many campfire worship leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.

How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten. One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old one.

How many United Methodists does it take to change a light bulb?
Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved-you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.

How many Presbyterians does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

How many Nazarenes does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Lutherans don't believe in change.

How many Amish does it take to change a light bulb?
What's a light bulb?

How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if, in your own journey, you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The lights are on, but no one's home.

How many Mormons does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

How many Atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?

2 to claim they are really agnostics, 6 to claim that agnostics are just cowardly atheists, 4 to point out that they had lightbulbs in their fundamntalist church back when they were growing up and see no reason to continue using tools of theism, 11 to bring up the Dawkins scale, 13 to propose alternative to the Dawkins scale, 6 to mention how Dawkins changed their life, 3 to ask what atheism has to do with changing a lightbulb, 7 to point out that Theists don't change lightbulbs either, and 1 to claim that even though a theist changed the lightbulb while we were arguing, he didn't have to be a theist to do that!

Aren't you glad you asked Mr.?

Other answers welcome.

Chas
 
They're people too...

How many Vietnam Vets does it take to change a light bulb? Forget it, man, you just wouldn't understand.

How many carpenters does it take to change a light bulb? Two, one to hold it, one to hammer it in.

How many Spaniards does it take to change a light bulb? Juan.

How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb? One hundred. One to do it and 99 to say "Hey, I could have done that!"

How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to change the bulb, and four to talk about how much better Neil Peart would have done it.

How many dieters does it take to change a light bulb? If it's "light", what could be better.

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they only screw in hot tubs.

How many first trumpets does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three: one to screw it in, one to push the ladder out from under him, and one to say how he could have done both jobs so much better.

How many NASCAR drivers does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they can only go left.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None, let her do the dishes in the dark.

How many George Bushes does it take to change a light bulb? Well, first of all, the light bulb did nothing wrong. Why do you hate freedom?

How many people with ADD does it take to change a light bulb? I just found a new recipe for Egg Salad!

How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they must all be in agreement that the lightbulb must be changed to increase efficiency.

How many Ska kids does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to drop it, and one to "Pick it up, pick it up, pick it up!"

How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but you should have seen the size of that lightbulb!

How many mechanics does it take to change a light bulb? Three. One to scratch his butt, one to order the wrong part and one to tell you it won't be here until Tuesday.

How many Blackberry users does it take to change a light bulb? Farm.

How many Paul Reveres does it take to screw in a light bulb? One if by hand, two if by feel.

How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? One, but it takes three bulbs.

How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four. One to change it, and three to complain that it's electric.

How many salesmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? (pause) I get it! This is one of those light bulb jokes, right?

How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? One.

How many babysitters does it take to change a light bulb? None, Pampers don't come in a size that small.

How many beer makers does it take to change a light bulb? About one third less than for a regular bulb.

How many prisoners does it take to change a light bulb? How many packs of cigarettes will you give them?

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but they have to do it while you're eating dinner.

How many help-desk employees does it take to change a light bulb? Hmmmm. The bulb works fine in my office.

How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb? None, the darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.

How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? Oh my GOD! Like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure. Thanks Moon!

How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two thirds.

How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to get an Evian, and one to call Daddy.

How many Florida residents does it take to change a light bulb? Nobody knows, they're still counting.

How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb? You cannot change a light bulb. By nature, it will go out again.

How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes eight million years.

Chas
 
Last edited:
How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to screw In a lightbulb?





















Who cares! Let the b!+¢h cook in the dark!
 
Single too?

Those kind of statements have kept me enjoying my bachelorhood!! Smile

Chas
 
How many times do you have to tell a woman with two black-eyes to get you a beer?






Why bother. The b@^#$# obviously ain't listening.
 
how many irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they will drink in the dark.

:)
 
*cough cough, copier! :) scroll above Chas's 9000 jokes


Sent from my Pipboy-3000
 
Here's another good one I remember...

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb? To get to the other side.
 
How many specks of dust does it take for Rolex to start polishing and waxing his rigs????

















Are you kidding? He never stops!
 
how many guys does it take to change a light bulb at my house? just one my wife uses a whip on me.
 
Break me up

how many guys does it take to change a light bulb at my house? just one my wife uses a whip on me.

Everything relates back to Frankness!

How few song lyrics does it take to make me laugh?
These few do, every time I play them, loud?

Anyway, he goes are you into S and M?
I go, oh RIGHT .
Could you like just picture me in like a
LEATHER TEDDY
Yeah right, HURT ME, HURT ME...
I'm sure! NO WAY!
He was like freaklng me out...
He called me a BEASTIE...
That's 'cause like he was totally BLITZED
He goes like BAG YOUR FACE!
I'm sure!


FRANK ZAPPA - VALLEY GIRL LYRICS

Chas
 

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