bigjay
RCTalk Addict
A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a
lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has the same pair.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
A LOVING HUSBAND
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a
young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on
top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen,
this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably
spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how
he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how he nauseates you. This
guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear. He told me that he's ***, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had
any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I
Love you, too.
ALABAMA BLONDES
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Alabama Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, 'So y'all want to be cops, huh?' The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture,and said, 'To be a detective, you have to be able to detect..
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth.' So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
Now,' he said, 'did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?' The blonde immediately said, 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye!'
The detective shook his head and said, 'Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!' The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, said,'What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?''Yes! He only has one ear!'
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!' The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, 'This is probably a waste of time, but... 'He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,'All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?'
The blonde said, 'I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.'
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?'
Well, with only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.'
LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk.. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger..'?
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'?
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.? But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
suppose that is???
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'?
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know poop?
Wal-mart doctor
One day,
In line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd
Better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart . Just give it a
Urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
It.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . .. A lot cheaper than a doctor.'
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart .
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
Sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began
Wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his
Wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten
Dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1 Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 . If you don't stop
Playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
$100
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA ,
they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money
to a little boy..
The little boy was delighted with the $5..00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you
note to God, which read:
Dear
God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for
some reason you sent it through
Washington D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a
lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has the same pair.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
A LOVING HUSBAND
A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a
young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on
top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen,
this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably
spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how
he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do
whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how he nauseates you. This
guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my
ear. He told me that he's ***, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had
any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I
Love you, too.
ALABAMA BLONDES
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Alabama Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, 'So y'all want to be cops, huh?' The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture,and said, 'To be a detective, you have to be able to detect..
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth.' So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
Now,' he said, 'did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?' The blonde immediately said, 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye!'
The detective shook his head and said, 'Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!' The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, said,'What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?''Yes! He only has one ear!'
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!' The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, 'This is probably a waste of time, but... 'He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,'All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?'
The blonde said, 'I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.'
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?'
Well, with only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.'
LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk.. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger..'?
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'?
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.? But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you
suppose that is???
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'?
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know poop?
Wal-mart doctor
One day,
In line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd
Better see a doctor.'
'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart . Just give it a
Urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about
It.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . .. A lot cheaper than a doctor.'
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart .
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine
Sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began
Wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his
Wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten
Dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1 Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 . If you don't stop
Playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
$100
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened .
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to God , USA ,
they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money
to a little boy..
The little boy was delighted with the $5..00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you
note to God, which read:
Dear
God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for
some reason you sent it through
Washington D.C. and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.
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