Bonehead of the Day

[El Pirata]

Finally a return

Bonehead award one, a "stupidest lawsuit in the world" bonehead award,
goes to a Lynn, Massachusetts, man who is suing the US government for
defamation and slander to the city of Lynn because a Defense
Department official, speaking about a hypothetical nuclear launch
against the US, had the audacity to say, "You don't need a very
sophisticated launcher to put a nuclear, or more likely, biological
warhead on a missile, put it on a ship and drive up next to a coast
like Lynn or any other place and launch it."

Says the man, "it is my civic duty to file this lawsuit and nip in the
bud divisive, insulting, un-American, anti-Lynn language before this
verbal poison is directed at other hard-working cities in America."

The Pentagon won't comment. They'd probably just be slapped with
another slander lawsuit if they did.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Bonehead award two, a "too dumb to be a criminal" bonehead award, goes
to a Hollywood, California, burglar who entered an apartment and:

· Was stunned to find the people were at home
· Tried running out the door but picked the wrong door and ended up in
a closet
· Was apprehended by police when he got downstairs because it took him
so long to find out how to get out of the apartment.

The police report commented, "showed him the back door of a police car
and the back seat too. No way out of that one."

From the Steve Harvey column in the Los Angeles Times

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Marge in Raleigh, North Carolina, wants to give a bonehead award to
all those people who made it necessary for the folks who create the
"Frontgate" Holiday Preview catalog to include the following
disclaimer next to a picture of an Automatic Bill Counter, priced at
about $400, pictured in the catalog with thousands of dollars in it,
described as a machine that can count 1,000 bills per minute .

"Bills not included."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Bonehead award four, a "stupidest excuse in the world" bonehead award
goes to a 22-year-old Orange County, California, man found stuck in
the chimney of St. Peter's Lutheran Church in Santa Ana, who told
police that he was just trying to get in to do some worshiping.

Orange County Register 23-Oct-02

>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Bonehead award five is just to make myself feel better.

I'm a Java software programmer, out of work for 10 weeks, who is
finding it hard to get a job in this lousy job market because
companies are looking for candidates who possess a set of skills that
are almost impossible to possess.

So, it is with great personal pleasure that I present a "Human
Resources as good as it gets" bonehead award to One Beacon Insurance
company of Boston, Massachusetts, for posting a job description on
Career Builder that lists as one of their requirements:

"7+ years experience developing J2EE applications"

The first J2EE beta was released by Sun Microsystems on September 30,
1999.

Note to One Beacon Insurance: All the applicants are liars.

If you know anyone at One Beacon Insurance, please send this to them.
They need to know.

Look what I've already done for them! Imagine what I could do as an
employee!

 

[El Pirata]

Bonehead award one goes to a woman who went to the public health
clinic in St. Paul, Minnesota complaining that she was "'feelin' a
little raw down there" after explaining that she douched with Lysol
household cleaner after having had sex with her daughter's fiancé.

Here's some other bonehead award winning complaints as told in the
newspaper article:

· "I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I
ejaculate I have flashbacks."

· "I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't
tell you they got something unless they mad at you."

· "How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"

· "I have food chunks in my urine."

· "My pee smells like ham."


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Bonehead award two, an "unclear on the concept" bonehead award, goes
to library staff at the Central Library in Hong Kong who stopped a
woman from breastfeeding her child because no food or drink is allowed
in the library.

The Leisure and Cultural Services Department, which oversees public
libraries in Hong Kong, apologized to the woman.


,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Bonehead award three, a "too dumb to be a criminal" bonehead award,
goes to a man who had a bag of marijuana he felt needed drying out who
went into a convenience store, even though a police car was parked
outside of it, engaged the police officer in a brief conversation and
then stuck the bag of marijuana into the store's microwave to begin
warming it up, according to the Chattanooga, Tennessee, police officer
who says the smell of cooking marijuana filled the store.


,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,]

The Rodney Dangerfield of Births

Bonehead award four goes to some staff at Meadow Lake Hospital in
Saskatoon, Canada. The hospital is being sued by a woman who says she
was left completely alone in the delivery room with no one monitoring
her or her baby as the baby came out and fell onto the floor.

The baby was flown to another hospital for observation but appears to
be fine.


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HELP! I'M TRAPPED IN THE EVIL PARALLEL UNIVERSE!
*************************************************

In the Evil Parallel Universe marketers think it's a great idea to
deface entire cities to make the cities into a free platform for their
advertising.

About a month after New York City inspectors ripped up illegal Nike
advertising decals that were GLUED to the sidewalks along Central Park
West, Microsoft began placing large (12 to 20 inch) butterflies all
over Manhattan, attaching them to traffic signals, stop signs,
planters, and the paving around Grand Army Plaza as well as the
granite corners around Grand Central Terminal. The butterflies are
meant to promote Microsoft's Internet service.

And New York City is furious. "We intend to hold your firm directly
responsible for this illegal, irresponsible and dangerous defacing of
public property," wrote Cesar A. Fernandez, assistant counsel of the
Transportation Department, in a letter sent to the Microsoft
Corporation. Microsoft was ordered to remove the decals immediately
and was warned that further graffiti advertising could result in
criminal prosecution and lawsuits.

Microsoft somehow believes that the city authorized them to deface it
and they do not see that they did anything wrong.

Tunnel Vision

It's amazing where people will stick their heads.

Bonehead award one which goes to a now deceased 32-year-old UK man who
stuck his head out of a train traveling at 70 MPH before it entered a
tunnel near London. The tunnel entrance hit his head.

Geez! Why would someone ever want to stick his head out of a moving
train?


,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Tunnel Vision II

If nothing else, this proves that the guy who got the first award wasn
't the stupidest person in the world because bonehead award two goes
to two California people, a man and a woman, who decided to stick
their heads through the sun roof of a bus before it entered the
Broadway Tunnel in San Francisco. They are in the hospital with
massive head injuries.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Bonehead award three, a "stupidest excuse in the world bonehead
award," goes to Washington State senator Joe Zarelli who, while
earning more than $32,800 a year as a legislator, never the less
continued collecting unemployment insurance and who, when asked why he
never entered his income as a legislator on his weekly unemployment
claim, said he didn't think it was necessary because everyone in the
state government already knew he was getting paid as a legislator.

Sure.


,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Bonehead award four goes to employees of Banco Nación's of Buenos
Aires (National Bank of Buenos Aires) who accidentally locked a man
inside the bank's vault for 66 hours when they forgot he was inside
accessing his safe deposit box.

He ate biscuits he happened to have with him and he urinated into
plastic bags in case he became thirsty (he never did).

 

[El Pirata]

Bonehead award one, a "too dumb to be a criminal" bonehead award goes
to Kent Coulson of Utah, awaiting sentencing on charges of
manufacturing methamphetamines who, while waiting at the court for his
sentencing from U.S. District Judge David Sam, wrote a letter to his
girlfriend about the judge which was then mistakenly delivered to the
judge as an official court document.

Among other things, the letter included the following statements:

· "Can you believe my father plays golf with Sam, the crusty old judge
who happens to be mine, not by choice? Ha!"

· "Not only that, but the old ******* lives up here in Heber somewhere
and the church people who come every Sunday morning happen to know
him. So it all looks good for me. Ha! Ha!"

· "I have to write a suck-up letter to the Honorable ****** and it
should be all great for me."

Judge Sam, the *******, sentenced Coulson to 70 months in prison. We
guess Coulson no longer feels "Ha! Ha!"


<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Tell It To The Cows

Bonehead award two goes to Wisconsin gubernatorial race candidate Aneb
Jah Rasta Sensas-Utcha Nefer who says that running for the governor is
just a formality because he is, and will be until his death, the real
governor of Wisconsin. He says he was elected the governor even
before he was born. "I'm the damn governor. I'm running the damn
state," he says


<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Why We Don't Want A Nuclear Power Plant Built Anywhere Near Us

Reader, Ariel, wants you to know that a bonehead award should go to
all those people, or the government, whichever, who made it necessary
for Sun Microsystems to include the following disclaimer with their
TIC-TAC-TOE!!! demo game included in the Java development package:

"You acknowledge that the Software is not designed, licensed, or
intended for use in the design, construction, operation or maintenance
of any nuclear facility."


<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Grand Old Wrong Party

Bonehead award four goes to Florida Republican State Senate candidate
Frank Mann who blasted his Democratic rival Dave Aronberg for filing a
frivolous lawsuit against a school district which cost that school
district $300,000 of precious education funds. Problem is, a
different Dave Aronberg filed the lawsuit. Ooops. Gotta love a
candidate who looks closely at the details.

 

[El Pirata]

Another "UK yellow paint bungle bonehead award!" For those new to
this column, we often give bonehead awards to local governments in the
UK for abuse of yellow traffic lines. We decided long ago that the UK
should not be allowed to have yellow paint.

So we created the "UK yellow paint bungle bonehead award" and today it
goes to city workers in Edinburgh who, while Gordon Dickson's van was
parked in an apparently legal parking spot, came up to his van,
painted yellow lines around it and then stuck a $45 parking ticket on
the van.

"It is just stupid really and very bizarre," says the outraged
Dickson.

The Edinburgh city council refunded his penalty.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Bonehead award two, a "government as good as it gets" bonehead award
goes to Chicago, Illinois which is demanding that the now deceased
Lisa Parker pay a parking ticket which was issued to her three months
after her car was reported stolen saying that the only way the ticket
can be dismissed is if she protests the ticket.

"It is definitely comical," says the son-in-law handling her estate.
"I mean, how can you have a dead person protest the ticket? We feel
our options are now just to either let it go or worry about a Denver
boot on my mother-in-law's headstone."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Bonehead award three goes to an Austrian hot-chestnut seller who
called in a bomb alert near his outdoor cart in the hopes that people
would stand around in the cold to watch what was going on after police
closed off the area and so would buy chestnuts from him, according to
police who have caller ID.

>>>>>>>>>>>

Bonehead award four, a "stupidest lawsuit in the world" bonehead award
goes to a New Brunswick, Canada father who is suing the province's
amateur hockey association because his 16-year-old son was not given
the "most valuable player" award. He says his son is now suffering
psychological damage and so he is demanding

1. That the award be taken away from the player who received it and
given to his son,

2. That his son now also be given the league's playmaker award, which
was awarded to another boy,

3. That his son be guaranteed a spot on the New Brunswick Winter Games
roster

4. That he be given $300,000 for psychological and punitive damages.

The coaches vote for the MVP and their votes are not disclosed.

The association says that this isn't the first time this has happened
and they've always prevailed in court.

 

[El Pirata]

They Better Not Tell Any More Blond Jokes After Falling For This One

Bonehead award one goes to CNN, ABC News, Reuters, Stuff (New Zealand), The London Daily Mail, the BBC and a host of other large media news sources which reported yesterday that the World Health Organization (WHO) concluded that blonds would become extinct by 2202 owing to the blond gene being recessive.

WHO never released such a report, for those of you who still believe that the media always checks their stories for accuracy.

>>>>>>>>>>>

I Gave Her My Heart But She Wanted My Testicle

''I love that girl. That's my heart, my soul, and that's my better half. I told the (District Attorney) the other day I'm not prosecuting
her.''

Comment made by a Nashville man, bonehead award winner two, in response to being asked why he is still living with the woman who ripped out one of his testicles with her fingernails during a fit of anger.

The testicle was reattached. But for how long?

>>>>>>>>>

Bonehead award three goes to some folks at the Bureau of Land
Management in Prineville, Oregon. Can you say "mass hysteria?"

A strange odor in the office that resulted in several people claiming to have become so sick from it that they needed to be hospitalized, and which forced the closing of the office for three days, turned out to be the smell of someone's Mexican Food.

 

[El Pirata]

Today there will be two bonehead awards.

The first bonehead award goes to Craig Panayiotou, 19, of the UK from a story in the UK MegaStar.

OK, Panayioutou screwed up and left his cooker on overnight. Could happen to anyone, right? In the morning the kitchen reeked of gas. Lucky for him he didn't get blown up during the night,

But there are some for whom luck, good or bad, is under their own control.When he awoke and realized what happened he turned off the gas supply, feeling no doubt relieved of the stress of nearly killing himself. So he decided to sit back, relax, have a cigarette. Oh oh. We reached the bonehead part.

To make a long story short, the explosion that ripped through the house blew his windows 20 feet into the air. Then he staggered out of the wreckage ''looking like something out of a cartoon.'' But this man is made of strong bone. He turned himself around and marched right back into that burning house to rescue his dog, but there are limits to what a bonehead can accomplish and he was beaten back by the blaze.

Thanks to firefighters, his dog was rescued. Both he and dog are doing well. And he has a Bonehead Award!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

And here's a bonehead award to Scotland yard for making a big-deal public appeal for any information that could help solve the murder of Jill Dando, and then not manning the phones for two days, leaving them to ring.

Very impressive guys!

 

[El Pirata]

A Des Moines dance instructor says she was abducted by aliens who wanted her
to teach them country line dancing. Beverly Trout claims that the aliens
dressed poorly and "shuffled around awkwardly" for the duration of the
lesson. The following day she found that the spacemen had downloaded
additional dance moves from her computer.

Stolen from The Edge (The Oregonian)

***

These stores from Down Under are from list member Damian Hall - Thanks
Damian!:

The North Shore Times crime column reported that a man walked into Brookvale
McDonalds (in Sydney NSW) at 8:50am, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The
clerk turned him down because she said she couldn't open the cash register
without a food order. When the man ordered a Big Mac, the clerk said they
weren't available until 10:30am as only the breakfast menu was on offer.
Frustrated the man walked away.

Two men tried to pull the front off an ATM machine in Adelaide by running a
chain from the machine to the bumper of their Toyota Landcruiser, but
instead of pulling the front panel off the Machine, they pulled the bumper
off their 4WD. Scared, and attracting attention from oncoming traffic, they
left the scene and drove home, with the chain still attached to the machine,
their bumper still attached to the chain, and with their vehicles license
plate still attached to the bumper. No, they did not use a stolen car.

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just
throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he
lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window with all his
might. The brick bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head,
knocking him unconscious. Apparently the liquor store window was made of
Plexi-Glass. And the whole event was caught on videotape, which the owner
consequently sold for use on TV.

When a man attempted to siphon petrol from a motor home parked on a Port
Macquarie street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at
the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled
sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal
petrol and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.
He had tried to siphon the petrol by first sucking it up the hose. The owner
of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh
he'd ever had.

 

[El Pirata]

Bonehead award one goes to a Spokane, Washington, police officer who, when confronted by a boy who came inside the city jail where she worked and who she recognized as having been previously in trouble several times with the police, claiming he couldn't get the lock off his mountain bike outside because he lost the key, took cable cutters and cut the steel cable securing the bike, letting the boy have the bike.

And what says the police officer after a man came into the building to report that someone had stolen his mountain bike that was chained up outside the jail?

She says she should have been a bit more suspicious of why someone would want to destroy a $30 lock. We guess so, at a minimum.

On the other hand, the thief shares the award for getting help from a police officer that he knew knew him thus assuring his quick capture.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonehead award two, a "too dumb to be a criminal award,' is from a story sent to me by reader Carolee Pasechnik.

The award goes to a bank robber who chose to rob a bank during, and at the location of, what may well be the largest presence ever of police in Washington, D.C. -- during a meeting of the World Bank and International Monetary Fund. After robbing the bank and driving off he found himself in the thick of the police. Then when the dye pack in the moneybag exploded, being already on edge, he crashed his car into the Swedish finance minister's car, according to an extremely large number of police.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Finding a purpose in life.

"It was really something to do on a Monday to break up the monotony..."

Comment made by a normally comatose person, one of the 500 people in Minnesota, who stood in line beginning as early as 2:30 AM for an average of four hours just to buy a donut from a newly opened Maple Grove Krispy Kreme doughnut shop.

And why are Krispy Kreme donuts so special?

A Minneapolis stock analyst in his report notes that the company uses quality ingredients, strict quality controls and the same recipe since 1937, which in stock analyst speak means he doesn't know.

By the end of the day, some 21,000 people bought doughnuts. The police say they are thankful that the crowd was well behaved, but they are, after all, apparently not used to doing much anyway.

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In the Evil Parallel Universe justice is gentle and sympathetic -- just not to the victim.

Judge Robert Hall of Queensland, Australia, allowed a man who broke the jaw of an 80-year-old driver during a road rage incident to go free and unpunished for the battery because, he said, "I'm often annoyed by Volvo and Kingswood drivers in their hats who drive more slowly and timidly than I think they should."

Let's hope some sort of public rage falls upon judge Hall.

 

[El Pirata]

Bonehead award one goes to all those people who made it necessary for the Virgin mobile phone Company to put the following warning in their user's guide:

"Do not put your mobile phone in a microwave oven; this may cause damage either to the oven or the phone."

Found in New Scientist
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonehead award two, a "too dumb to be a criminal" bonehead award, goes to a Belleville, Illinois inmate who insisted that DNA tests be run on the blood found at the scene of a rape and stabbing for which he was convicted, claiming that it would prove he was innocent.. He finally he got his wish. The DNA was tested.

The result?

Not only did the results prove that he was indeed guilty of the crime for which he was convicted but it also led police to implicate him in a second, up to that point, unsolved attack.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The school that would be king.

Bonehead award three, a "zero tolerance bonehead award," goes to, as usual, a school administration. This time it's the administration of Blackford High School in Indiana for punishing a student, an adult, for doing, well, for doing NOTHING ILLEGAL, and then not having done it on school property and not having done it while school was in session. The school will not let him attend the prom because he smokes outside of school.

How can this be? Is he not an adult? Is it not legal to smoke when you're an adult? How can they do this?

They can do this when school officials simply declare themselves to be living in some sort of Calvin and Hobbes king of the world fantasy believing that their rules supersede the laws of society and the legal rights of an individual.

And what says the Indiana Civil Liberties Union, which has begun a lawsuit?

"It (the policy) became a problem when you're being punished for doing something off-grounds which is legal. This is as if the school said, 'If you read a certain book at home, you'll be punished at school. "It's ridiculous."

 

[El Pirata]

"I urge you to treat the driving offenses as if he had been reading a map, a book, or even a legal journal."

Comment made by the defending attorney of a UK dentist (award winner one) who was arrested when he was caught speeding at 70 MPH on the A38, one of Britain's busiest roads, swerving from side to side, while looking at a porno magazine laid onto his steering wheel and "pleasuring himself" with his other hand.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Thank you reader Autymn for this next story!

Bonehead award two goes to Dr. Richard Paley, a teacher of Divinity and Theobiology at Fellowship University who claims that your Apple Macintosh computer promotes Godless Communism and spreads anti-creationist "propaganda."

See, you Mac users never knew you were so scary to some folks, did you?

And what "logic" has he used to reach this conclusion?

Well, for one thing the internal name of the operating system is "Darwin" and so, therefore, "new Macs are based on Darwinism," of course. Further, he writes, the operating system is released under an "Open Source" license, which, he says, is another word for communism.

Objective Christian Ministries
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bonehead awards three and four go to the following computer users:

First to the person who called his company's system administrator with a configuration request brought about by his accidentally deleting whole sections of his document. His request? "I want you to fix it so I can't delete things."

And second to the person who, after receiving an Email from his IT department warning that an Email with the subject "I L*ve You" (we misspelled it so mail filters let this mailing through) is a virus, never the less, upon receiving such an Email, opened it and infected the network, because, he said, "I thought I had virus protection software on my machine and I wanted to see what happened when it stopped the virus."

Computerworld

 

[El Pirata]

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS! Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.

WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.

SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOESN'T PAY! Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."

THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

OUCH, THAT SMARTS!! A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion taking place inside his pants," said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.

ARE WE COMMUNICATING?? A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "this is her husband!"

NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

 

[El Pirata]

Today we bestow THREE Bonehead Awards

Bonehead award one, a "too dumb to be a criminal bonehead award," goes to a Winnipeg, Canadian man who, thinking he had figured out how to rob a store without worrying about the police catching him in the act, CAUSED the police to catch him in the act.

Just before entering the store, he called 911 from the phone booth ACROSS from the store to report a shooting at another location believing this would distract the police. But the police, finding it was a false call, got the address of the phone booth and arrived just in time to see the idiot brandishing a knife and taking money from the cashier.


---------------------------------------------------

Bonehead award two, another "too dumb to be a criminal bonehead award," is from a story sent to me by reader Elizabeth. Thanks, Elizabeth!

The award goes to a South Roanoke, Virginia, man who, while making an harassing phone call to a woman who had no idea who he was, and who, after 45 minutes, heard a police officer then come on the line, got angry and told the officer that if didn't like being cussed out he could just come on down to the 600 block of Tazewell Avenue Southeast
and do something about it, according to police who went down to the 600 block of Tazewell Avenue Southeast and did something about it.



<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Bonehead award three, another "too dumb to be a criminal bonehead award," is from a story first sent to me by reader Richard Butler of Evans City, Pennsylvania. Thanks, Richard!

The award goes to Robert Peter Nelson, III of Washington County, Pennsylvania who was arrested for armed robbery, according to police who said they found Robert Peter Nelson, III when they spotted the plumbing van he used for getting away which is "emblazoned" with the name, "ROBERT PETER NELSON, III,"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If you don't fight nicely, you'll get in bigger trouble.

According to U.S. Defense Secretary Rumsfeld, the Taliban and al Qaeda fighters being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, are not prisoners of war but "unlawful combatants."

So, what's the difference and why?

Prisoners of war are entitled to the protections of the 1949 Geneva Convention while unlawful combatants do not qualify. Only those who play war by the accepted rules of war, as outlined by the convention, qualify for these protections.

To be compliant, one must fight for a military organization satisfying these four requirements:

· Commanded by a person responsible for his subordinates,
· Having a fixed distinctive sign recognizable at a distance,
· Carrying arms openly
· Conducting operations in accordance with the laws and customs of war.

While the al Qaeda failed to meet any four, the Taliban fighters failed to meet the last three.

So what do they lose? They can have military tribunal trials. They do not get to have civilian trials. Military tribunals are more irregular. Unlawful combatants are not entitled to the substantive and procedural protections that a prisoner of war would get. They are
not entitled to repatriation (return to their country).

Other consequences appear in the original story.
----------------------------------------------


"Welcome to the New York City Rejection Line. Unfortunately, the person who gave you this number does not want to talk to you or speak to you again. We would like to take this opportunity to officially reject you. If you want to hear from our comfort specialist, press 1. If you want to hear a sad poem written by a kindred spirit, press 2"

--From the Rejection Line, a handy service in New York that rejects potential dates for you.

Esquire via The Edge (The Oregonian)

******************************************
FROM "MEN WHO CAN'T BUY GIFTS" FILES
**********************************************

My husband gave the thoughtful gift of a thigh master to his ex wife one Christmas. And wondered why she became his ex wife

 

[El Pirata]

Today we bestow TWO bonehead awards.

Today's first bonehead award goes to planners in Perth, Australia who spent $3 million on a new bus station, only to find out that their double-decker buses are too tall to fit inside. The terminal must now be torn down and built again.

----------------------------------------------------

A truly bleeping sausage!

Bonehead two goes to British Telecom who misrouted a recorded message, meant for one party, to HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of doctors, nurses and businessmen, and every police department in the UK.

It began when Alison McKenzie found that a sausage she bought from a supermarket was all moldy. So she dialed a 24-hour environmental health line, and left a message. But a British Telecom employee mistakenly sent it to the ''voicebanks'' of police headquarters throughout the UK which then went to hundreds of thousands of pagers with a telephone number beginning with 01426.

Poor Alison became besieged with phone calls from doctors, nurses, businessman and police forces, all asking her how they could help.

Then British Telecom ended the farce with another farce, blaming it on a ''computer glitch.''

 

[El Pirata]

Finally!! A scandal hits the "stupid" industry!

Bonehead award one, a "too dumb to write about dumb people" bonehead
award goes to, ironically, James Welles, 61, author of the books "The
Story of Stupidity" and "Understanding Stupidity", for his stupidity
in trying to use the Internet to lure what he thought was a
15-year-old girl to some location to have sex. The "girl" was
actually a 40-year-old undercover detective.

Will he try to claim he was using himself as a research subject?

The Smoking Gun (actual police report)

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Jaws! Urban Version

Bonehead award two goes to some firefighters in Framingham,
Massachusetts, who practiced using the Jaws of Life tool to cut up the
WRONG CAR.

Antonio Rocha parked his 1998 Honda behind the fire department's
headquarters only to return later to find his car had been cut up and
that it no longer had a roof or doors.


WPVI Channel 6 (Philadelphia, Pennsylvania) 10-Nov-02

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Bonehead award three goes to a man who had set 19 death traps in his
home, hoping to kill the children and grandchildren he said abandoned
him, who was found dead from a gunshot wound suffered when he
accidentally triggered one of his own booby traps.


The Age (Melbourne, Australia) 10-Nov-02

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Transparently Stupid

Bonehead award four goes to an Iranian man who calmly walked into a
bank and just began taking large amounts of money without a care
because he believed that a Muslim holy man, in return for a $625 US
payment, had turned him invisible.

He can now be seen in jail.


The Australian Broadcasting Corp. 7-Nov-02

 

[El Pirata]

Three Men Forced To Get Off Plane Even Though They Already Got Off

Bonehead award one goes to three men who caused a full airport
security alert in Paris after they each, in turn, locked themselves
into the toilet of a plane still waiting to leave for Hong Kong, and
crew members, inspecting the toilet afterwards, found "suspicious
white drops."

The three men who were removed from the plane were sailors who just
returned from a long stint at sea. Each was carrying pornography.

Although they were not arrested, they weren't allowed to board the
plane again.


Sydney Morning Herald (Sydney, Australia)

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Bonehead award two, a "too dumb to be a criminal" bonehead award, goes
to a German bank robber who threw a burlap bag over his head as he
entered a bank to rob it only to realize that he forgot to cut eye
holes in the bag.

He bumped into customers as he headed to the teller. Security cameras
recorded his face when he lifted the bag so he could see what he was
doing.

He's been sentenced to four years in jail.


Reuters via Yahoo News

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Bonehead award three goes to a Fort Worth, Texas, man who trapped
himself inside his own CHIMNEY while trying to get into his house
after he locked the keys inside.


NBC Channel 4 (Los Angeles, California)

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Prtty Ovbious

Bonehead award four, another "too dumb to be a criminal" bonehead
award, goes to a Jacksonville, Florida, woman who tried cashing a
forged $498.35 check drawn on the "Frist Unoin" bank, police said.


Tallahassee Democrat

 

[El Pirata]

High School Principal Caught Cheating?

Bonehead award one goes the former principal of Pacific High School in
Boerum Hill, New York, who is accused of erasing and changing as many
as 119 answers on 14 competency tests to improve student outcomes,
according to officials who said it was easy to tell what was changed
because she used a green eraser to remove the old answers while all
students were given red erasers. 23% of her corrections were wrong
anyway.

New York State has barred the school from administering any more tests
until it can prove that its staff will not help students cheat. The
tests were discarded, as was one diploma.


New York Daily News

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It's Not The Tear Jerk That's The Problem But The Boyfriend Jerk

Bonehead award two goes to a central China girl and her boyfriend.
The girl has asked doctors to remove her tear glands because, she
says, her boyfriend wants to break up with her because she so easily
cries.

She says she weeps while watching soap operas, when listening to
sentimental songs and when she is wronged, even slightly, which annoys
her boyfriend.

The eye doctor told her that crying is a way to express feelings and
that removing her tear glands would cause excessive dryness leading to
more distress. And he told her, "any scrupulous doctor will not
remove tear glands."


Straits-Times of Singapore

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Hey! Only A Moron Would Do What I Just Did And I'm Not A Moron!
Understand?

Bonehead award three goes to a telephone eavesdropper in Dingwall,
north of Scotland, who was caught eavesdropping on a phone call when,
upon hearing one of the people on the line accuse him of being an
eavesdropper, immediately telephoned the accuser to tell her, "That's
not true. I don't listen in to phone conversations."

Said one victim, "I told my friend that she better watch what she was
saying over the phone because Blair MacKay listens in to people's
conversations. She asked me to come over and I hung up. Only minutes
later the phone rang and it was Blair. I thought it dead funny for he
immediately said: 'That's not true. I don't listen in to phone
conversations.' I had a right go at him."

The Scotsman

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Rochester. Made for Throwing Away Your Living

Bonehead award four, a "government as good as it gets" bonehead award
goes to the cash strapped city of Rochester, New York which decided
that the myriad problems they face are caused by their lacking a city
slogan and so went and paid an agency $400,000 to come up with, of all
things, "Rochester. Made for living," whatever this means.

Didn't work.

 

[El Pirata]

Our Toilet Seats Are So Clean You Can Eat Off Of Them

Bonehead award one goes to a Stockholm restaurant that completely
disgusted a customer when, in response to the customer asking about
the missing toilet seat in the men's room, in full view of the man,
removed the missing toilet seat from the dishwasher where it was
washed alongside the kitchen utensils.

And what did the restaurant have to say to the repulsed customer?

They told him "the freshly washed toilet seat would be warm and
pleasant to sit on." They didn't mention anything about the unique
experience one would have using the kitchen utensils.


Reuters via Yahoo News

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Bonehead award two, a "too dumb to be a criminal" bonehead award goes
to a gang of thieves in Jersey Marine, near Swansea, in the UK who
smashed into a warehouse and stole a haul of faulty TVs, videos and
DVD players.

The warehouse is used to store items to be returned to the
manufacturers.

Ananova (UK)

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Bonehead award three goes to Design Eye, the makers of "The Science
Lab," a kit meant to teach children basic physics through
experimentation, which poses the following question in their manual,
"Did you know ... in the northern half of the globe a compass needle
points north because it is attracted by an enormous mass of magnetic
rock on Baffin Island, close to the North Pole?"

While it is true that the Earth's northern magnetic pole currently
lies in the Baffin Islands, the Earth's magnetic field is what is
responsible for attracting a compass needle, not some huge pile of
rocks.


New Scientist

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The Only Time Government Takes an Absolutely Clear Position Is When
They Can't Be Held To It

Bonehead award four, a "government as good as it gets" bonehead award,
goes to the State of Missouri.

As told in the St. Joseph News-Press:

"The state Coordinating Board for Higher Education has relaxed its
guidelines for changing college or university names - a somewhat
symbolic gesture since the board has no say over the issue anyway."

Thank you ever so much Missouri State Coordinating Board for Higher
Education.

Reader, W. Curt Deegan, sent this story to us.


St. Joseph News-Press (St. Joseph, Missouri)

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[El Pirata]

And The Arrogant Bass Player Said, "You Shall Have No Other Bill
Wymans Before Me"

Bonehead award one goes to arrogant Bill Wyman, the former bassist for
the Rolling Stones, for threatening legal action against another Bill
Wyman, this one being a writer for the Atlanta Journal-Constitution,
for having the audacity to use his own name, the same name, Bill
Wyman, as the author of his own articles. I kid you not. The world
isn't big enough for two Bill Wymans according to the bass player.

The former Rolling Stone bassist is demanding that the other Wyman no
longer use his own name unless he writes into each and every article a
disclaimer that he is not the former bassist of the Rolling Stones.
Like anybody really cares.

Want more? "Bill Wyman" isn't even the real name of the bass player.
It's Lee Whyman.

In a related story, Bozo The Clown has announced that, for now on, "to
avoid understandable and continuing confusion," he will announce at
the beginning of all his appearances that he is not, in fact, the
former bassist for the Rolling Stones.

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Get It Straight. There Are No Whales In Michigan. But There Are
Apparently Turkeys In Utah

Bonehead award two goes to Utah-based Studies Weekly, Inc. which
publishes an "educational" newsletter distributed to some 1.2 million
third through sixth graders in the United States, for an article
stating that "Every spring, the freshwater whales and freshwater
dolphins begin their 1,300-mile migration from Hudson Bay to the
warmer waters of Lake Michigan."

When Michigan teacher, Deb Harris, called them to tell them there are
no whales, and never have been any whales, in Lake Michigan, an editor
argued with her claiming that they had seen this information at some
random website somewhere and therefore it had to be true.

Eventually Studies Weekly, Inc. posted a retraction at their own
website.

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You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

Bonehead award three goes to a Washington man who captured a wild
rattlesnake in the Arizona desert a few weeks earlier and who is now
in serious condition in the hospital from being bit on the lip by the
snake while he was trying to give it a kiss while showing off to
several bare foot house guests which included children.

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Don't Know Who Is The Hairiest But They Both Are Definitely The
Biggest

Bonehead award four goes to two "friends" who got into a fight over
who had the hairiest butt which led to violence when one of the men
slashed the other with a knife.

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Thank You, British government

Bonehead award five, a "government as good as it gets" bonehead award,
goes to the British government for their plans to put up posters
around Britain advising civilians that in case of poison gas attack
that they should hold their breath and run away.