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I got these from a friend they are supposed to be true/ actual events. BABY CHICKEN
A 50 year old woman was brought into a New York emergency room
complaining of abdominal pains.
During an examination, doctors found that the woman's labia were
pinned together with old safety pins. Further inside, they found
the dismembered body of a chicken. The woman explained that she
inserted the chicken pieces, convinced that they would grow into a baby.
INNER SKELETON
A 63 year old widow was admitted to hospital in Recife, Brazil,
suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a
20 inch long skeleton of a foetus which she conceived a decade
earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never
expelled from her body.
FEMALE SOFA
A 500lb woman from Illinois was examined in hospital. During the
examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a
dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found
lodged between the folds of her vulva.
OUCH!
A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody
restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman
had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that
they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with
passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to
the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp
down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony
and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head
until she let go.
BLIND DRUNK
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain
while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would
come out half way, but they always popped back in.
A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success.
Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not
have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out
the membrane of his cornea.
GROWING SEASON
An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green vines
growing from her vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato trapped in
her womb. The woman then suddenly remembered that she had inserted
it two weeks previously, because she thought that her uterus was falling
out.
PRICKLY PAIR
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis.
He complained that his wife had "a rat in her female pee pee" and it bit him
during sex. After an examination of his wife, if was revealed that
she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
LAST STAND
A Cambridge man hobbled into casualty complaining of a permanent
erection. He admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba, he
frequented many brothels, and in one he was given some erectile cream
to keep him hard. He was told to use it sparingly.
However, since he was having so much fun, he kept using more and
more. By the time he came to casualty, all the blood vessels in his
penis were swollen and his testicles had ballooned in size.
Doctors could do nothing except prescribe painkillers, and told him
that it would return to flaccidity in a few days. They also told him
to enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was going to be his
last.
YUK!
A 64 year old woman with colon cancer kept returning to hospital with
an infection around her stoma (the hole where the tube from her
colostomy bag is inserted). There was also a mysterious whitish ooze
emanating from it. After eventually inquiring into her private life,
the doctors found out that she led an active sex life. "And," she told
them, "when we're feeling really energetic, my husband gets his kicks out of
removing the bag and using my stomah!"
JUICY LUCY
In Kentucky, a woman complained of a purple discharge from her
vagina. She thought it might have something to do with the diaphragm
that her doctor had recently given her.
"I followed all the instructions to the letter," she told her doctor,
"and used it with the jelly."
When asked which kind of jelly she had used, she replied "Grape."
BRUSH AFTER MEALS
A very unhygienic patient was being treated by two nurses for a burst
vein in his stomach. While changing the dressing, one of the nurses
screamed. They saw maggots crawling down the man's chest. They had
been breeding between his teeth, and smelling the open wound, decided to
feed further down his body.
CALL THE BUM SQUAD!
A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a haemorrhoid
problem. One painful pile would often hang down from the man's anus and
he was in the habit of pushing it back up with an artillery shell. On
this occasion, the shell got stuck. Doctors were going to remove it
but the man told them the shell was still live. So the hospital called in
the army bomb disposal squad, who built a lead box around the
man's anus to defuse the shell before it could be removed.
KLINGONS AROUND URANUS
A 20 year old man came to casualty with a stony mass in his rectum.
He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete
mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his
anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and
pain. Under general anaesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's
rectum was removed, along with a stray ping-pong ball!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Take a deep empathetic breath before you commence .....
Is there such a thing as safe pache?? Here's a late entry for the Darwin
Awards - an award generally given out posthumously for the most stupid
way to die - if there is such a thing.
A pre-med student from the University of Arizona was looking to score
big with his date on a Friday night. Determined to put the girl in the
mood, he drove her up to a spot on Mount Lemmon which overlooked the city
of Tucson. They walked to an open knoll where they could see the city
lights. Overcome by the romantic locale, she succumbed to his pleas and
they stripped down, made a bed of their clothes, and passionately began
making love.
The heavy storm clouds rolling overhead and the low rumble of thunder
inside them excited the lovers even more. At the first few flashes of
lightning, they never looked up to see the charred remains of once great
trees. Their idyllic clearing was a hotbed of electrical activity during
the warm desert nights. With a blinding light, a bolt of lightning struck
the high point on the knoll, which happened to be the pre-med student's
ass, and sought the path of least resistance --- straight down!
Incredibly, he survived, but was in excruciating pain. The heat of
the lightning had fused together flesh and latex so that the lovers
were now stuck together like a pair of dogs. The girl, unfortunately,
did NOT survive the lightning strike! When the student looked down
into the vacant eyes of his girlfriend and realized she was dead, his
immediate repulsion caused him to jerk away from her, which of course,
he couldn't! A wave of pain and nausea made him vomit into the girl's
face and open mouth! Heaving only caused more pain and repeated vomiting
until he finally passed out.
Attracted by the smell of "food," a bear found its way to the Siamese
lovers and began to lick semi-digested pizza and buffalo wings from the
dead girl's face. The student came to, but when he saw the bear, there
was little he could do but lay there silently in fear. To his horror,
the bear became dissatisfied with just a lick and started to eat the
girl, loudly crunching her facial bones only inches from his ear. The
bear also tasted the student, scraping the back of his skull with its
teeth, before moving on.
Around mid-morning a group of junior girl scouts, up for a fun weekend
camp-out, arrived at the campsite where the pre-med student's car was
parked. It was only a matter of minutes before three screaming girls
discovered the student, who had regained consciousness several times in
the night and had managed to drag himself and the partially-eaten girl
about 20-feet.
Doctors managed to "successfully" separate the student from the corpse,
but Mr. Happy looked like a small piece of cauliflower in its flaccid
state. The first hint of arousal resulted in so much pain, that the
student was unable---and unwilling---to achieve an erection. Future
surgeries may produce a reasonably functioning penis, but the student's
family jewels, referred to by the doctors as the "scrotum mass,"
are irreparable.
Although most Darwin Awards are supposed to be won posthumously, we
think this guy deserves consideration since he successfully removed
himself from the gene pool.
So the next time you thimk your life sucks think about one of these and you can say "At least my life isnt that bad"
A 50 year old woman was brought into a New York emergency room
complaining of abdominal pains.
During an examination, doctors found that the woman's labia were
pinned together with old safety pins. Further inside, they found
the dismembered body of a chicken. The woman explained that she
inserted the chicken pieces, convinced that they would grow into a baby.
INNER SKELETON
A 63 year old widow was admitted to hospital in Recife, Brazil,
suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a
20 inch long skeleton of a foetus which she conceived a decade
earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never
expelled from her body.
FEMALE SOFA
A 500lb woman from Illinois was examined in hospital. During the
examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a
dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found
lodged between the folds of her vulva.
OUCH!
A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody
restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman
had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that
they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with
passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to
the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp
down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony
and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head
until she let go.
BLIND DRUNK
A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain
while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would
come out half way, but they always popped back in.
A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success.
Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not
have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out
the membrane of his cornea.
GROWING SEASON
An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green vines
growing from her vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato trapped in
her womb. The woman then suddenly remembered that she had inserted
it two weeks previously, because she thought that her uterus was falling
out.
PRICKLY PAIR
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis.
He complained that his wife had "a rat in her female pee pee" and it bit him
during sex. After an examination of his wife, if was revealed that
she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.
LAST STAND
A Cambridge man hobbled into casualty complaining of a permanent
erection. He admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba, he
frequented many brothels, and in one he was given some erectile cream
to keep him hard. He was told to use it sparingly.
However, since he was having so much fun, he kept using more and
more. By the time he came to casualty, all the blood vessels in his
penis were swollen and his testicles had ballooned in size.
Doctors could do nothing except prescribe painkillers, and told him
that it would return to flaccidity in a few days. They also told him
to enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was going to be his
last.
YUK!
A 64 year old woman with colon cancer kept returning to hospital with
an infection around her stoma (the hole where the tube from her
colostomy bag is inserted). There was also a mysterious whitish ooze
emanating from it. After eventually inquiring into her private life,
the doctors found out that she led an active sex life. "And," she told
them, "when we're feeling really energetic, my husband gets his kicks out of
removing the bag and using my stomah!"
JUICY LUCY
In Kentucky, a woman complained of a purple discharge from her
vagina. She thought it might have something to do with the diaphragm
that her doctor had recently given her.
"I followed all the instructions to the letter," she told her doctor,
"and used it with the jelly."
When asked which kind of jelly she had used, she replied "Grape."
BRUSH AFTER MEALS
A very unhygienic patient was being treated by two nurses for a burst
vein in his stomach. While changing the dressing, one of the nurses
screamed. They saw maggots crawling down the man's chest. They had
been breeding between his teeth, and smelling the open wound, decided to
feed further down his body.
CALL THE BUM SQUAD!
A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a haemorrhoid
problem. One painful pile would often hang down from the man's anus and
he was in the habit of pushing it back up with an artillery shell. On
this occasion, the shell got stuck. Doctors were going to remove it
but the man told them the shell was still live. So the hospital called in
the army bomb disposal squad, who built a lead box around the
man's anus to defuse the shell before it could be removed.
KLINGONS AROUND URANUS
A 20 year old man came to casualty with a stony mass in his rectum.
He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete
mix, when his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his
anus using a funnel. The concrete then hardened, causing constipation and
pain. Under general anaesthesia, a perfect concrete cast of the man's
rectum was removed, along with a stray ping-pong ball!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Take a deep empathetic breath before you commence .....
Is there such a thing as safe pache?? Here's a late entry for the Darwin
Awards - an award generally given out posthumously for the most stupid
way to die - if there is such a thing.
A pre-med student from the University of Arizona was looking to score
big with his date on a Friday night. Determined to put the girl in the
mood, he drove her up to a spot on Mount Lemmon which overlooked the city
of Tucson. They walked to an open knoll where they could see the city
lights. Overcome by the romantic locale, she succumbed to his pleas and
they stripped down, made a bed of their clothes, and passionately began
making love.
The heavy storm clouds rolling overhead and the low rumble of thunder
inside them excited the lovers even more. At the first few flashes of
lightning, they never looked up to see the charred remains of once great
trees. Their idyllic clearing was a hotbed of electrical activity during
the warm desert nights. With a blinding light, a bolt of lightning struck
the high point on the knoll, which happened to be the pre-med student's
ass, and sought the path of least resistance --- straight down!
Incredibly, he survived, but was in excruciating pain. The heat of
the lightning had fused together flesh and latex so that the lovers
were now stuck together like a pair of dogs. The girl, unfortunately,
did NOT survive the lightning strike! When the student looked down
into the vacant eyes of his girlfriend and realized she was dead, his
immediate repulsion caused him to jerk away from her, which of course,
he couldn't! A wave of pain and nausea made him vomit into the girl's
face and open mouth! Heaving only caused more pain and repeated vomiting
until he finally passed out.
Attracted by the smell of "food," a bear found its way to the Siamese
lovers and began to lick semi-digested pizza and buffalo wings from the
dead girl's face. The student came to, but when he saw the bear, there
was little he could do but lay there silently in fear. To his horror,
the bear became dissatisfied with just a lick and started to eat the
girl, loudly crunching her facial bones only inches from his ear. The
bear also tasted the student, scraping the back of his skull with its
teeth, before moving on.
Around mid-morning a group of junior girl scouts, up for a fun weekend
camp-out, arrived at the campsite where the pre-med student's car was
parked. It was only a matter of minutes before three screaming girls
discovered the student, who had regained consciousness several times in
the night and had managed to drag himself and the partially-eaten girl
about 20-feet.
Doctors managed to "successfully" separate the student from the corpse,
but Mr. Happy looked like a small piece of cauliflower in its flaccid
state. The first hint of arousal resulted in so much pain, that the
student was unable---and unwilling---to achieve an erection. Future
surgeries may produce a reasonably functioning penis, but the student's
family jewels, referred to by the doctors as the "scrotum mass,"
are irreparable.
Although most Darwin Awards are supposed to be won posthumously, we
think this guy deserves consideration since he successfully removed
himself from the gene pool.
So the next time you thimk your life sucks think about one of these and you can say "At least my life isnt that bad"
