sweetdiesel
aka SouRGassssssss
Supporter
From another forum.
Tool Descriptions:
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room,
splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you
were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in
about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat
to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting
the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars
and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that
9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads,
trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool
for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off
your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16 INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the
sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at
night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume
40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is
somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt;
but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by
someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most
expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records,
liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks,
and rubber or plastic parts.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is
also the next tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which
somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every
deficiency in foresight.
Tool Descriptions:
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room,
splattering it against that freshly painted airplane part you
were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also
removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in
about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in
their holes until you die of old age.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked,
unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its
course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat
to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting
the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars
and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that
9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads,
trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbors to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool
for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog **** off
your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on
everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16 INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large prybar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the
sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at
night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume
40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer
shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is
somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of
old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt;
but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips
screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact
wrench that grips rusty bolts last over tightened 58 years ago by
someone at ERCO, and neatly rounds off their heads.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip
or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50¢ part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most
expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records,
liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks,
and rubber or plastic parts.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is
also the next tool that you will need.
EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which
somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every
deficiency in foresight.
