PLEASE, DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME.......
From the LA Times. (no Foolin...it isn't April 1st.)
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was
only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused
doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.
Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had
been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had
gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and
slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki
shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to
retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into
the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and
a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and
severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur
and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further
up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from
the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second
degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
The top ten scary things about this....
(by Rustin Kreider)
10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch!!!
9) "So I peered into the tube . . ." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry,
but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd
rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.
8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem)
being shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel.
7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said
gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's
"tunnel of love."
6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in
their rectums.
5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were
doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I
would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac,
anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with
a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old
fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and
saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil
named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube . . ."
4) "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this
make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome
relief? How does one ever take a healthy poop after something
like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top
five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.
3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for:
"Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."
2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those
Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond
family.
No information is available on the condition of Raggot the Gerbil.
From the LA Times. (no Foolin...it isn't April 1st.)
"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was
only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused
doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.
Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had
been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had
gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and
slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki
shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to
retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into
the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and
a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr Tomaszewski's hair and
severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur
and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further
up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from
the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second
degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
The top ten scary things about this....
(by Rustin Kreider)
10) "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ." Ouch!!!
9) "So I peered into the tube . . ." Aaaaaahhhhhhh. I'm sorry,
but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd
rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.
8) That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem)
being shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky the Flying Squirrel.
7) Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said
gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's
"tunnel of love."
6) People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in
their rectums.
5) People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were
doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I
would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac,
anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with
a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old
fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and
saying "Well doc, it's like this. See we have this gerbil
named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube . . ."
4) "First and second degree burns to the anus". Wouldn't this
make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome
relief? How does one ever take a healthy poop after something
like this? And the smell of burning anus must be in the top
five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.
3) People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for:
"Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."
2) What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?
1) This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those
Mormons? I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond
family.
No information is available on the condition of Raggot the Gerbil.
uke:
