Texas Chili cookoff...

[ImBroken]

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield , IL:


Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

*****************************************************

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


*****************************************************

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.


*****************************************************

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of
the beer.


*****************************************************

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC..

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting
to look HOT. Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
aphrodisiac?


*****************************************************

CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.


*****************************************************

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rearend
with a snow cone.


*****************************************************

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen
anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in
my stomach.


*****************************************************

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI..

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to
really hot chili?

Judge #3 - No Report

 

[olds97_lss]

That's funny! A bit long, but funny.

I like chili that is very mild, a bit watery (for crackers/bread), light on tomatoes, heavy on meat.

 

[Rolex]

ROFLMFAO!!!
I spent almost 2 years in Texas. I'm judge #3. Can't stand the hot stuff.

 

[Bryson]

The hotter the better I think, untill you actually fart :constipatuke:. Funny stuff right there by the way lol.

Bryson

 

[jetmechG550]

That's some funny chit right there! Another funny, my name is Frank and I used to live in Springfield, IL!


Here's something I picked up last year, tried and really liked. I mix in Nestle Toll House Semi-sweet morsels into my Chili, just a little bit at a time. People who try it really like it and can tell there's something in there that's different but can't figure it out. Give it a whirl!

 

[olds97_lss]

That does not sound good at all!?!?!

Although... my mom used to mix in brown sugar into her spaghetti sauce... got to love it when southern moms branch out in the food world!

To this day, I can't eat anyone else's spaghetti sauce and enjoy it... My wife hates it.

 

[HeartBreak]

I like my chili good, thick and hot around this time of the year. Really clears out the sinuses. It also serves as a good pre-shopping-meal. Nothin' clears an isle faster than a perceived toxic spill. It also works really good on the morning of a big race.

Always go shopping prepared, I always say.

 

[NCNitro]

I need to wipe my rearend
with a snow cone.

This line had me literally laughing out loud! That was great!

 

[Karl M]

If you ain't sweating, you ain't eating! Thanks, I needed a good laugh.

 

[Rolex]

A tiny little Italian lady in my neighborhood turned me on to REAL spaghetti sauce when I was a kid. To this day, I still put honey in it, and remember that lady named Louise, that I called Mama Weezie.

I agree with NCNitro...That snow cone comment had me on the floor.

 

[jetmechG550]

that lady named Louise, that I called Mama Weezie.

Wasn't she on the Jefferson's???????

 

[Rolex]

Wasn't she on the Jefferson's???????

That's where the name came from for someone named Louise.
Ouisie doesn't look good in print, so it's Weezie. Everyone in her family started calling her that. Even her great grandkids called her Gamma Weezie.

 

[beason]

i live in Texas now, and they do like it hot. EVERYTHING.. they put jalapeños in everything as well. i live in eastern Texas so i get a mix of Mexican and Cajun. between the two i've been lit up a few times.

I've been spoiled on the mexican food here, (well we call it mexican, technically texmex) i went back to arkansas one year and they had a new mexican restaurant in town so we decided to try it.

i ordered queso as an appetizer and the guy corrected me and asked "oh you want some cheese dip??" yea that pretty much summed up the rest of the meal as well.....

 

[hamz9561]

All that chili sounds kind of wimpy. I prefer my chili to grab you by the throat and introduce itself. If doesn't burn going and coming out it ain't Texas Chili. (I know because I've been cooking it myself for years.

 

[bentover]

Nothng like a good poop'n & fartin' joke ending!!

 

[neobart]

I really like using Scotch Bonnet peppers. They look like cute little baby bell peppers, but there's nothing cute about them. But they work well in a chili with tomatoes, red kidney beans, oregano and cumin. Uhmm good. :constipat

I remember my dad(who is accustomed to very spicy food) once ate the end slice of one of them raw.......he had the hick-ups for nearly an hour. :LoL:

 

[Mallanaga]

OMG! i was laughing so hard towards the middle, i spit all over my screen.

wow... good joke. it had to have been inspired from RL events...

i think i need to make me some chili...