Some Prenumptial advice needed....

[godale03]

Hey Guys,

I figured since my impending numptials are less than two weeks away, I would solicit some advice that may help me in my early years as a married man. As well as any other gent here at RCNT that may be getting ready to tie the knot. Maybe even help me avoid making some classic mistakes. Thanks in advance!

Tom

 

[NCNitro]

The best advice I could give you is.............RUN! RUN FAST!!!.....LOL.

And remember....

A man doesn't know what happiness is until he is married................And then it's too late!

 

[godale03]

So what you are saying is that Bigamy is having one to many wives, and so is Manogomy? LOL

Tom

 

[NCNitro]

Bigamy is having one to many wives, and so is Manogomy

Tom

LMAO! Now that's funny!

Actually I just celebrated my 11 year anniversary with my wife on Sunday. We have been together for 15 years total, and I could never see myself without her in my life. The key is give each other space, if you smother each other you will eventually push each other away. My wife fully supports my interests and hobbies, she has bought me several of my rcs. She has no problem with me going to the track and racing all day, or going fishing, or whatever, and I have no issues with her doing her scrapbooking thingy, or whatever else she wants to do. We have two kids, and we share responsabilities with them, so that we both get time to pursue our individual interests. You also have to have trust, if you can't trust a person, it WILL NOT work, no matter what. Also do nice poop just because, that will get you major brownie points. Pick her up some flowers on the way home from work for no reason at all, they love that poop, or better yet, send her flowers at work, women love to be the center of attention, lol.

 

[vbgagnon]

So what you are saying is that Bigamy is having one to many wives, and so is Manogomy? LOL

Tom

You watched american chopper last night didn't you?

 

[godale03]

You watched american chopper last night didn't you?

Actually no... someone sent that to me in an email a few weeks back. I thought it was funny so I recycled it. It was funny. Of course if it came from Paul, I now understand why! LOL I will have to see if I can catch that episode.

Tom

 

[NvNitro]

And so it begins...




But I have to agree with NC. Lots of truth to that paragraph. Just make sure when you tie the knot, that its a bowtie. It release's easy!!

 

[godale03]

LMAO! Now that's funny!

Actually I just celebrated my 11 year anniversary with my wife on Sunday. We have been together for 15 years total, and I could never see myself without her in my life. The key is give each other space, if you smother each other you will eventually push each other away. My wife fully supports my interests and hobbies, she has bought me several of my rcs. She has no problem with me going to the track and racing all day, or going fishing, or whatever, and I have no issues with her doing her scrapbooking thingy, or whatever else she wants to do. We have two kids, and we share responsabilities with them, so that we both get time to pursue our individual interests. You also have to have trust, if you can't trust a person, it WILL NOT work, no matter what. Also do nice poop just because, that will get you major brownie points. Pick her up some flowers on the way home from work for no reason at all, they love that poop, or better yet, send her flowers at work, women love to be the center of attention, lol.

NC, Nev,

You are right on the money with this paragraph. I am lucky enough to be in the same situation as NC. My bride to be supports my hobbies, she buys me RC stuff, or since she really does not like the LHS just tells me to go get what I want. As NC's wife does, my fiance loves to scrapbook, and we share the responsibilities so that she may have time to scrapbook. It is definitely a give and take and trust, communication, and compramise are the keys. It is definitely awesome when she comes to me and suggests I go racing for the day. In fact this past week my LHS was having a sale, and she suggested I get what I need since the sale was going on. What a gal! As long as the work load is shared, the financial goals are met, we have no qualms with each other going out to pursue our hobbies or other intrests. I am absolutely ready to marry her. We have been together 3 years so far and hopfully many more. Man let me tell you, it is so nice to know I do not have to hide my spending from her. Besides like Revo said a while back... when I see Ann Taylor, and Banana Republic bags in the trash... it is time to hit the LHS! LOL

 

[Candyman]

Is this the knot you're tying?

J/K
Been there. Trashed that. So having already had one marriage fall apart, I can say that there are a lot of things that make them work. NC hit most of it. Just have that mutual respect for each other. You're both different people. Just because you two decided to marry doesn't mean you both have to do all the same stuff at the same time. Plenty of elbow room. And lots of consideration and caring. Just make sure that, no matter where you are or what you're doing, she knows she's the most important thing to you. Even when she's being a jerk (yes, it will happen) let her know that she's still THE most important thing. And just be you. that's all.

 

[FastEddy]

Going on 12 years here.
NC hit on a lot of good points. It starts with trust. If you can’t trust here going out with friends or being somewhere overnight with out and doubts in you mind, don’t do it. I’m sure we all know the couple that freaks every time their not with their other and is on the cell every 5 minutes with the guilt trips and control issues. This will never last and we all know it.

Hang out for a few years if possible before having kids. There is a time period that it takes to fully know each other and a 3rd person in the mix will stunt this growth process. Being one then 3 doesn’t give you time to fully enjoy growing into your new situation.

Never go to bed mad. Don’t even lie in your bed if you’re having an issue. Your bed and in our case our bedroom in a happy place. Take it somewhere else and return only when you have worked it out. Doing this will give you a place that is full of only positive energy. Once you return to your room you will find that life is full of love and be rewarded. Treat it like a sanctuary.

fiddlesticks like rabbits. Do it now and as often as possible. As you grow you will find that sex gets better but life’s other issues will intrude as time goes on. For the first year, every time you have sex put a bean in a jar. The day after your 1st anniversary start taking one out of the jar every time you have sex. On your 25th anniversary, enjoy a pot of bean soup with the leftover beans and reminisce your first year of marriage.

There are things that you enjoy to do without your wife, get these issues worked out now. Remember that it’s a two way street. Space for both of you will only help and make you stronger. If you don’t lay down the framework for this now it will cause separation anxiety when you start to go back to doing the thing you like to do that don’t include her.

All this is only words. People make their own world and it is unique to only you two. Never try to compare your relationship to anyone else’s it will only cause issues. Make friends with other couples. Your time with single friends will become less and less as you find that your life is changing. Never give them up but know that you will have less and less in common. Make friends with couples that are happy. Nothing is worse or more contagious then an unhappy couple.

Last chance buddy. Ill offer this once and keep it an open invitation up to the second you tie the knot……..

FREE ONE WAY BUSS TICKET ANYWHERE YOU WANT TO GO….. LMK.

 

[sweetdiesel]

Here are a few that have worked for us. My wife and I lived together for 5 years before we tied the knot. I guess we gave it a trial run before we made it official. We are coming up on our three year anniversary and in addition to the good advice given already, here is what has kept us from killing each other.

Never go to bed angry-Your bed is the one sacred place that you will always have, it should be a place for rest and love. A place that you both come together to be one again after a hard day at work. Don't use it as a place for fighting or arguing. If you ever find someone else in your bed, get a new bed.

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate! She is not a mind reader and neither are you. If you have an issue, let her know. Don't let problems brew inside, they tend to erupt at the wrong time.

If you want/plan to have children, try to travel as much as possible before doing so. It's cheaper when it's just the two of you, and when they are little it is tougher to do a long drive or plane trip.


Good luck!!!!

 

[robriguez]

After living with my GF for the last 5 years I've known alot of this and learned the rest of what everyone else has said here the hard way. Weve gone through some really really bad times where everyone told us we should have given up on each other but in the end it has only made our relationship, our trust for each other, our "bond" if you will, even stronger. For us, knowing that we stuck with it when we could have easily just walked away has made all the difference in the world.

We had to learn how to communicate the hard way. In the beginning it was alot of holding things in until they exploded, then there was alot of yelling, insults, throwing things, breaking things in the house, very ghetto/white trash-ish (and we are neither ghetto nor white nor trashy... lol). Anyway, it was a learning experience I dont wish on anyone.

I feel we have atoned for our sins and are on the enlightened path now. (That was NOT a religious statement) Everything these guys have said is everything that we try to do all the time and I for one can say it really does work and it does make a difference. The little things do count for alot. Respect and honor go a long way. Giving each other space to be their own person is just as important as holding on tight and making her "yours". Dont be afraid to let her see you have emotions. Dont be afraid to stand up and be a man. Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ask her what she wants and expect a straight, concise and direct answer.

And above all else, fiddlesticks like bunnies till your peepee falls off cause it wont be like that forever!!!!!!!!

 

[godale03]

Thanks for all the advice guys.

I by no means having second thoughts or really nervous. I just have the pre wedding jitters I suppose. Not cold feet... more like anxiety really. I just want to take the oportunity to learn from all the married guys out there in order to hopfully avoid the pitfalls that are involved in the istitution that is marriage. I love her with all my heart and would choose her over anything else out there.. even RC.. and maybe beer. This is my first and hopefuly only marriage and I think by waiting until I was bit older was a good thing. This is her second marriage and she is about 4 years older than I am. She was married young... 21 to be exact and I think she is much older and mature now. I really believe she knows what she wants. At least I better know what she wants anyway! LOL I still can't believe that it is less than two weeks before we make the trip to NC.

Tom

 

[Monkey Wrench]

Interesting thread with a lot of good stuff in here. I'm either having an Oprah moment or it's the bad deviled eggs I had with dinner last night, but I feel nauseous!

I'm going to break from the pack and share some of the pitfalls that have befallen my wife and I as we approach our 10 year anniversary. I'm not going to continue with the "don't go to bed angry" or "learn to communicate" advice shared already. Good stuff to be sure, but I'm not going to repeat what's been presented. So, here goes:

1. Religion. Whether or not either of you are religious or not, it's important to at least discuss it before you finalize the deal. You may both feel you are on the same page now, but make sure. I knew my wife had a Mormon upbringing throughout her child hood, but when we met, she was the absolute anti-Mormon (smoked, drank and man did we do some weird, and fun, poop in the bedroom!) Throughout the first 7-8 years of our marriage, we never attended church or anything of that sort. Now, within the last 18+ months, she has gone full force back into the church, which has really caused some problems that we continue to work through even today. I have nothing personally against the Mormon faith. I personally find it borderline cultish, but nonetheless, it brings her personal satisfaction and gratification. Additionally, we both agreed that neither would "push" our personal beliefs with our children, and for that I give her all the credit in the world. The subject can become a Pandora's box if not careful, and I'd be lying if I did not say that during several conversations, the subject of divorce came up. Thankfully, both of us agreed that splitting up would not solve anyone's problem, but rather create more. I am merely saying, it's a subject worth discussing if it hasn't already been discussed.

2. Children. Yeah, they sure are fun to make and do bring a true joy to your life, but these little boogers are EXPENSIVE! Before you go down the baby-making road, make sure you are ready! As has been mentioned, travel now and make your fun, because when a kid comes into the world, as a husband and father, you become the third, fourth fifth etc. most important person in your family, depending on how many kids you have. There may be some that disagree with me, but my experience has shown, having a 7 year old son and a 3 year old daughter, wouldn't matter if my peepee got stuck in a combine, hockey practice is tonight, damnit! You gotta haul your kid and all his poop there, come hell or highwater. Learn and accept the phrase, "I am third" and put it into the context of your family.

3. Will. Not to sound morbid, but as soon as you get back from the honeymoon, make it a point to get a will together, especially with power of attorney and all that. When my wife and I sat down with our attorney to make our will, the lawyer shared that he wished more young married couples did this. My Dad gave me that advice and that, along with the nugget of "only fiddlesticks the ones that cough" have served me well.

4. Have fun. Like being involved in R/C, marriage should not be seen as a job, although it will FEEL like a job (and a bad one at that) sometimes. Don't forget to simply enjoy being married.

Congratulations and best wishes, man!

 

[robriguez]

oooooo Good stuff there MW man. and VERY true!!!

but what the HELL does this mean??? "only fiddlesticks the ones that cough"

 

[NvNitro]

I have to say MW, for being married 10 yrs you got it down pretty well. My wife and I have been married..this Sept will be 24 yrs and we learn each and everyday about something new. Weather it is about the kids, cause belive me..They always come back. Maybe not for long, but they do return. And I have to say I do agree 100% on this one...You never,never,never,never go to bed angry. I can't stress this more. I know that it's not high on your list MW or maybe it is, but it's number 1 on mine. You can work things out during the day but when you lay your head down to sleep, I would never want any bad thoughts or something horrable I said to my wife to be the last thing I remember. Your here for a short time, make it happy times. I totaly agree with the "Will" and "Power of Attorney" I think that is a must. If that was not there when I got hurt, we would of been screwed big time. I thank my sister in law for that one. Always be thinking ahead Tom, definitly when kids come in the picture. And like MW said...Have fun, Marrage can be a blast, and it can be what ever you want it to be. I could go on, but you seem like your getting alot of great tips and examples.

Congratulations Tom, And Best of Luck

 

[godale03]

Thanks guys. I really appreciate all the candid advice. My fiance and I have gotten into the discussion of religion before and in fact an arguement this past weekend. We are both not practicing anything, however I am Methodist and she is Catholic, so when the discussion comes up about religion we both have different ideas. I think Catholosism (SP) is very cultish and she believes that the catholic school is the best education. I am a public school educated and have a different beliefs. She was a product of private education. She wants to send our kids to private catholic shcools and I don't like it. I don't want to force my kids to be religious... I want them to choose on there own when the are old enough. I also don't want to baptize my child catholic. Started a big argument, which we talked through calmly later but still have not resolved totally. Either way we have some work to do. We have had our ups and our downs, but we try to talk things through, and have only gone to bed angry once. I understand that marriage takes work, but it is a mutual decision that we both need to support. Hopefully we have what it takes... I believe we do. Now if I could only get the rabbit thing down. That ended a year into the relationship.... how do you get it back? LOL Thanks for the info guys.

Tom

 

[niggle]

By definition, long-term relationships are a very personal thing and it's not my place to tell you how to conduct your relationship or pretend that there is some magic formula that you and your partner should adhere to for a long lasting and happy relationship.

There has been some very sensible advice posted already so I might as well chip my 2c in whilst I'm at it...

We lived together for 5 years before we got married and our eldest child was 2 1/2 years old when we eventually tied the knot.

My wife had been through a bad relationship before meeting me and coupled with the fact that our daughter had my surname and not hers, she was hoping that being married and also taking my surname would make her feel more secure and feel more like a proper family.

Personally, having that band of gold on my left hand hasn't changed me one bit. I had already comitted myself to a long term and exclusive relationship when we decided to set up home together and this was reinforced when we agreed to have a child together. Actually getting married just seemed like a formality for the benefit of people other than myself. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret getting married one bit, it made my wife very happy and that's extremely important to me. We are still very much together and in three weeks it will be our 10th wedding anniversary.

I don't know about in the US but in the UK it seems far easier to get divorced than it does to get married in the first place. If you are at all unsure about your relationship and think that some kind of ceremony and a couple of gold rings is going to fix things forever then I would suggest that perhaps you need to re-evaluate what you have between you.

What I will say is that you will both change as you get older, and I believe that a succesfull relationship is one where both partners can accept the inevitable changes in personality and learn to accept an evolving relationship.

I guess if you sit down and work out the cost of children from birth to leaving home then they are indeed expensive. The fact is that you get to pay for it all in a convenient installment plan (18 years or so) and I can't say that I notice being out of pocket on a month by month basis. No doubt this view will change when my daughter goes to college and in due course expects me to pay for her wedding. My kids have lots of cool toys, stuff that I could never dream of owning when I was a kid, and being a responsible parent I get to try them out first just to make sure they are appropriate.

Have a great day Tom and and an even happier future together. Very best wishes to you and your lady.

 

[mrwill]

my .02, they pretty much got most of it, but I have to add this, DO NOT CHEAT.as chris rock said "if you cheat you will get caught" then you won't trust your woman, and you are the one who screwed up. it is all about trust. as a married man you are a big target, you are "safe" don't do it.
7 years this saturday, remember your anniversary, it is a good day.

 

[ImBroken]

SIGN HERE