abadk9420
Broke Down Driver
In Memoriam
Home-Made Chili
I went grocery shopping this weekend, which in hindsight may not have been
very wise.
You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity
of my patented 'You're definitely going to crap yourself' chili. Tasty
stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written
guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks
WILL fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of
coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's
Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my
intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning
symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I
bravely set off for the Wal-Mart grocery store for some tasty breakfast and
lunch tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I
selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.
It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms
that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to
that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.
The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneras in the chili from the
night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied
their way through the intestines, and before I could take one step in the
direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened.
Those peppers fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a
noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was
afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly
woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction
would be to the invisible but odorous cloud that refused to dissipate, as
she walked, unsuspecting, into it.
Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's
what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I
could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked
into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible
that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand
there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward
off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me
laugh.... MISTAKE!
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down',
if you know what I mean.. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst
forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was
later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was
robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.
Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'IT' was coming, and I raced off
through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way,
praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place..
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
inevitable 'Why Did I Eat That?' floating above the toilet seat because my
ass is burning SO BAD, purging.
One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true
meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said,
'Sonofabitch! ', then quickly left.
Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with shopping when a store employee approached me and
said, 'Sir, we're asking all shoppers to step outside for a few minutes.
It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager
is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to
take care of the problem.' That of course set me off again, causing
residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back
pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing
manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the
manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none
too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls.
The next day I went to shop at Kroger's. I can't say anymore about that
because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going
to have to repaint the store.
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