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Our friends, the French
Dear Dad:
A funny thing happened to me yesterday at Camp
Bondsteel (Bosnia):
A French army officer walked up to me in the PX, and
told me he thought we (Americans) were a bunch of
cowboys and were going to provoke a war in Iraq. He
said if such a thing happens, we wouldn't be able to
count on the support of France. I told him that it
didn't surprise me. Since we had come to France's
rescue in World War I, World War II, Vietnam, and the
Cold War, their ingratitude and jealousy was due to
surface (again) at some point in the near future
anyway. ?? I also told him that is why France is a
third-rate military power with a socialist economy and
a bunch of pansies for soldiers. I additionally told
him that America, being a nation of deeds and action,
not words, would do whatever it had to do, and
France's support, if it ever came, was only for show
anyway. Just like in All NATO exercises, the US would
shoulder 85% of the burden, and provide 85% of the
support, as
evidenced by the fact that this French officer was
shopping in the American PX, and not the other way
around. ?? He began to get belligerent at that point,
and I told him if he would like to, I would meet him
outside in front of the Burger King and whip his ass
in front of the entire Multinational Brigade East,
thus demonstrating that even the smallest American had
more fight than the average Frenchman. With friends
like these, who needs enemies? ??
Dad, tell Mom I love her.
Your loving daughter
Mary Beth Johnson LtCol., USMC. ??
The Complete Military History of France, in a
nutshell.
- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending
foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history,
France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by
female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The
First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are
victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
-Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and
only country to ever lose two wars when fighting
Italians.
- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the
Huguenots.
- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a
participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims
a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.
- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing
red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French
and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties
in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to
label the period as the height of French military
power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also
Gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough,
which they have loved every since.
- American Revolution - In a move that will become
quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a
win even though the English colonists saw far more
action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome",
and
leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France
only wins when America does most of the fighting."
- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that
the opponent was also French.
- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories
(remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a
Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British
footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays
the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home
alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France
is saved by the United States. Thousands of French
women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a
winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein."
Sadly,
widespread use of condoms by American forces
forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
-World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by
the United States and Britain just as they finish
learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead
sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first
defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force
since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of
Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This
rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians,
Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese
and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its
recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just
to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese
ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on
the French should not be "Can we count on the
French?", but rather "How long until France
collapses?"
"Going to war without France is like going deer
hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave
behind a lot of noisy baggage."
Dear Dad:
A funny thing happened to me yesterday at Camp
Bondsteel (Bosnia):
A French army officer walked up to me in the PX, and
told me he thought we (Americans) were a bunch of
cowboys and were going to provoke a war in Iraq. He
said if such a thing happens, we wouldn't be able to
count on the support of France. I told him that it
didn't surprise me. Since we had come to France's
rescue in World War I, World War II, Vietnam, and the
Cold War, their ingratitude and jealousy was due to
surface (again) at some point in the near future
anyway. ?? I also told him that is why France is a
third-rate military power with a socialist economy and
a bunch of pansies for soldiers. I additionally told
him that America, being a nation of deeds and action,
not words, would do whatever it had to do, and
France's support, if it ever came, was only for show
anyway. Just like in All NATO exercises, the US would
shoulder 85% of the burden, and provide 85% of the
support, as
evidenced by the fact that this French officer was
shopping in the American PX, and not the other way
around. ?? He began to get belligerent at that point,
and I told him if he would like to, I would meet him
outside in front of the Burger King and whip his ass
in front of the entire Multinational Brigade East,
thus demonstrating that even the smallest American had
more fight than the average Frenchman. With friends
like these, who needs enemies? ??
Dad, tell Mom I love her.
Your loving daughter
Mary Beth Johnson LtCol., USMC. ??
The Complete Military History of France, in a
nutshell.
- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending
foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history,
France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by
female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The
First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are
victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
-Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and
only country to ever lose two wars when fighting
Italians.
- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the
Huguenots.
- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a
participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims
a tie on the basis that eventually the other
participants started ignoring her.
- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing
red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French
and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties
in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to
label the period as the height of French military
power.
War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also
Gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough,
which they have loved every since.
- American Revolution - In a move that will become
quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a
win even though the English colonists saw far more
action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome",
and
leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France
only wins when America does most of the fighting."
- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that
the opponent was also French.
- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories
(remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a
Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British
footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays
the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home
alone on a Saturday night.
- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France
is saved by the United States. Thousands of French
women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a
winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein."
Sadly,
widespread use of condoms by American forces
forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
-World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by
the United States and Britain just as they finish
learning the Horst Wessel Song.
- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead
sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu
- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first
defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force
since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of
Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This
rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians,
Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese
and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its
recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just
to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese
ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
The question for any country silly enough to count on
the French should not be "Can we count on the
French?", but rather "How long until France
collapses?"
"Going to war without France is like going deer
hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave
behind a lot of noisy baggage."
