Couple of jokes

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El Pirata

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(1)
Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary
I have good news and bad news. The good news is you are being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you have regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom.
I am so sorry, but he is dead. Mary replied, "He did! not hang himself, I put him there to dry."

(2)
A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50
feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied, "Well that first hearse is for my husband."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."

(3)
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called the
computer tech to come over to my office. He clicked a
couple buttons and solved the problem.


He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he
was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"


He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."


I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless
inquired: "An ID ten T error? What's that ... in case I
need to fix it again?"


He grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T
error before?"


"No," I replied


"Write it down," he said, ”and I think you'll figure it out.”


(I wrote...)

I D 1 0 T


1 . HOW DO YOU GET HOLY WATER?
You boil the hell out of it.

2. WHAT DO FISH SAY WHEN THEY HIT A CONCRETE WALL?
Dam

3. WHAT DO ESKIMOS GET FROM SITTING ON THE ICE?
Polaroids.

4. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOOMERANG THAT DOESN'T WORK?
A stick

5. WHAT DO YOU CALL CHEESE THAT ISN'T YOURS?
Nacho cheese

6. WHAT DO YOU CALL SANTA'S HELPERS?
Subordinate Clauses.

7. WHAT DO YOU CALL 4 BULLFIGHTERS IN QUICKSAND?
Quattro sinko.

8. WHAT DO YOU GET FROM A PAMPERED COW?
Spoiled milk

9. WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A SNOWMAN WITH A VAMPIRE?
Frostbite.

10. WHAT LIES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN AND TWITCHES?
A nervous wreck

11. WHERE DO YOU FIND A DOG WITH NO LEGS?
Right where you left him.

12. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ROAST BEEF AND PEA SOUP?
Anyone can roast beef

13. WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS?
Because they have big fingers

14. WHY DON'T BLIND PEOPLE LIKE TO SKY DIVE?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog

15. WHAT KIND OF COFFEE WAS SERVED ON THE TITANIC?
Sanka.

16. WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HARLEY AND A HOOVER?
The location of the Dirt Bag.

17. WHY DO A PILGRIMS PANTS ALWAYS FALL DOWN?
Because they wear their belt buckles on their hat.

18. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BAD GOLFER AND A BAD SKYDIVER?
A bad golfer goes whack, damn. A bad sky diver goes damn, whack.

19. HOW DO YOU CATCH A UNIQUE RABBIT?
Unique up on it.

20. HOW DO YOU CATCH A TAME RABBIT?
Tame way, unique up on it.

21. WHAT DO YOU CALL SKYDIVING LAWYERS?
Skeet.

22. HOW ARE A TEXAS TORNADO AND TENNESSEE DIVORCE THE SAME?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer
 

El Pirata

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Where do you live in Seattle? I was born in Seattle then moved to Lynnwood and later moved to Bellevue.
 

Mike c.

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Originally posted by El Pirata
Where do you live in Seattle? I was born in Seattle then moved to Lynnwood and later moved to Bellevue.
check your pm's
 

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